The Rain Queen

My stomach Hurts

2006-08-23T09:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back at work and the boss is in her office freezing me out. She has made it a point to go around to everyone with a big smile on her face to say good morning but not a word or glance to me. This is very stressful for me. I feel she is up to something but not sure what it is. This is the same boss I was praising a few months back. It is like a jekyll and hyde thing. I have seen her do this before to other employees. She had one girl in tears every morning on the way to work. How do I know? She would call me to vent before she ever got to the office. I am not gonna cry or cave in but I do internalize a lot of the anxiety she causes me. This in turn feeds into my negative thought process about myself that I am somehow not good enough or not working hard enough. I haven't had a day off in forever but she takes at least one day off a week. She has a lot of saved up time but hey, so do I. I think she wants to step down from her job and take my job but she can't do that as long as I am still here. I have tried to talk to the boss immediately over her and all I got was a reprimand saying I was insuboordinate. So, to try to get help from anyone else is impossible. She will just wield her power over the entire office and believe me when she sets a mood it carries through. I am glad to be here in the corner office and I try to stay out of harm's way but there is no telling what she will do today. I am also going to shut this site down as I think she is reading it and it keeps me from being too candid. Don't worry though. I will let my blooger friends know where I go. I can't do without ya'll for sure. I gotta go take some Pepcid before the acid churning in my tummy eats a hole in my gut.

Work is a bad 4 letter word

2006-08-22T16:12:00.000-05:00

Well, for whatever reason my boss has a bee up her ass and has decided to not let me take off Friday morning to get AC in the house. Instead she emails me from home where she has decided to "work" today. She tells me I will have to reschedule the installation of the AC because she is off on Friday and it would only leave 1 nurse in the office. Never mind that I already talked to that nurse and she is fine with it but noooo, because I didn't ask permission I told her when I needed to be off.I am a grown up right? Now she has decided that all time off must be submitted to her in writing and she will decide if it is okay to take off. This is including Dr. appts. of which I have a lot of lately.She makes me feel like I am not doing my job because I am taking off to go to the Dr. so much. I am in constant pain, still grieving over the death of my best friend, and oh yeh my man of 10 yrs. left me. I guess there is a time limit of how long you get to grieve. The reason I am so fucked up now is because I kept putting my breakdown off. Guess what ,it don't work like that. You cannot help it if you are having mental health issues. And having a passive aggressive person like that who constantly tells you what you do or did wrong and never giving up any postive feedback wears on you after a while. My therapist says I need to step back and put myself first. That is a hard thing for a nurse to do especially when I have control issues on top of that. I never give myself a break much lees get one at work. I live alone so the only interaction I have with people during the week really is the people I work with. She gets to leave and go home to her man but not me. I get to go home to an empty hot fucking house. I was hoping to at least take care of the hot part but what the fuck ever!! I also think she reads my blog so enough said. I may be going the way of Keeks soon.Mkaes you want to throw up and hands and SHOUT!!!Apparently ,I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!Oh yeah, also in the e-mail no more animals allowed at work. I think I am going to cry now.

The AC man is coming!

2006-08-22T10:47:00.000-05:00

Yeah!! I will have central AC on Friday. They are coming to put the new unit in. I know I said unit! Now I just have to find out when the cabinets are being installed. I will have to take the day off for that I am so sure. I am excited to get all these new things in my home. A dishwasher! I have never had a working dishwasher before. It's the little things that make up the day huh? I fell last night in the front yard. I have all these flagstones lining the front walk to keep it from flooding out when it rains which is NEVER !! Anyhow, I was rushing around trying to go to the gym and I stepped wrong and twisted my right ankle. OUCH!! Iam a klutz. Could someone just bubblewrap me and then set me out in the world. My boss says I am not long for the working world. I hope she is wrong because my bank account says different. I have a good 20 yrs. to go working before I am even eligible for social security and medicare. By then it will be such a pittance that I will probably drop dead at work. Now that is a comforting thought huh? I had to leave Dooley at home today. The big bosses came down from Dallas and we really aren't supposed to have animals at work. Something about a no pets lease clause. But we do it anyways but not when the big dogs hit town. There is a doggy day care right down the road and tomorrow I am bringing Dooley and we are gonna go check it out. My friend Jana says I am officially a crackpot if I take my puppy to a day care. I tried to get her to watch him with her daycare kids but she refused. I never!! LOL. I am sure I am a crackpot but I sure do miss that little guy and I know he misses me. We were both crying when I left for work today. My friend Madison is gonna go let him out this morning at 10am and then I will go let him out at 1pm and she will go back at 3:30 pm and then my cousin Linda will go let him out at 5pm. I get home around 6pm if I don't stay late which I will not. Then I go swim and leave him alone again. Poor guy!

What classic Movie are you?

2006-08-17T17:55:00.000-05:00

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

stolen from Zambo. Sorry dude, it was too fun and I so love this movie and all it stands for.

I'm Okay! I'm in LOVE!!!

2006-08-16T19:57:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone! I feel like I have been missing out on a lot lately. I have been so busy with the cabinets in the kitchen. I had to clean out half of the garage to accommodate the delivery of the said cabinets. My cousin Linda came over Saturday morning and we did that. Then my cousin Gina came by around lunch time and we cleaned out all the drawers and the upper cabinets. Then Saturday evening, Jana's daughter Kaylee, her friend Ashley, and Polly's daughter Madison came over with Jana and they cleaned out the bottom cabinets in about 10 minutes!Wow what a day!You should see the garage. It is stacked to the top with boxes of cabinets. I got the energy efficient loan from the city finally. This will allow me to get a new central air /heat unit, the attic insulated,solar screens on the windows,and some new windows as well as a storm door. It is low interest and all in all it is an additional 60 dollars added to my electric bill every month for the next 10 yrs. Whatever!But that is not the best part, yep, I know, you want to hear about the new man in my life. Okay. He is adorable! He has beautiful blue eyes and a turned up nose. He adores me and follows me everywhere. I know it is a little clingy and yes I slept with him the first night. In fact, he has moved in lock,stock,and barrel. I have plenty of pictures so here he is. His name is Major Dooley. But you can call him Dooley.here he is just waking from a power nap here he is with my little cousin Anya.

He is a blue mini daschund. I love him so much. He is so cuddly and isn't he just the most unique little fellow you ever did see. When I picked him up to hold he smelled like Nancy. She had 4 dogs but I guess maybe the lady who had him bathed him in the same soap as she bathed her dogs. I couldn't let him go. I named him after Major, my friend Mary's beautiful lab who was murdered by a pack of wild dogs earlier this year and Nancy's maiden name was Dooley. In fact, Dooley is what she always called her brother. I called him to let him know I had a puppy named Dooley and he said he was honored and then he thanked me for the dubious distinction. So Nancylike. LOL. I gotta go. I will post lots more pictures. Today is Dooley's birthday..He is 3 months old today.

I bring you Dave Navarro for Whatever Wednesday

2006-08-09T18:41:00.000-05:00

This girls is what is known as a double bibber, panty-liner kind of man! You just know he is DIRTY !!! Oh yeh! Can you say labia fibrillation?? Cuz he is the main cause of a lot of that! Okay, can you tell I haven't been laid in a year. !! OMG! I am a born again virgin!! Somebody fuck me before I get caught up fulfilling some dudes' jihad fantasy !

Supernova

2006-08-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else watching this show and have you noticed that 3 of the girls are from Texas. Dilana is out of Houston. She is so very very talented. She so reminds me of a young Janis Joplin. She is so much better than G/T/J AKA Supernova. The chick from Dallas via the planet Outhere is well, I don't know what she is really. All I know is last week she was so bizarre I had to rewind and watch that shit about 3 times and the whole time with my mouth hanging open! I think the bald guy from Iceland should be picked. But my personal favs are Patrice (of course),Dilana,and Toby from down under. But none of them fit the band so much. Dave Navarro is so HOT!!! I wouldn't care who else is on as long as I can look at him! Oh Baby.Carmen what were you thinking??FINE FUCKING BLOGGER WILL NOT LET ME PUT PICTURES OF DAVE UP!!!!!!!RAT BASTARDS!!!!!

Moving Monday

2006-08-07T16:53:00.000-05:00

We are switching offices around at work. Why I don't know, but we are and I have been moved to an office with windows! How nice to look out and see the world or at least the parking lot. Where I was before had windows from floor to ceiling that looked out to the lobby of the building we are located in. I always felt like a monkey (sorry Zambo) at the zoo. I wanted to fling poo at the people who would stare as they went by. I always kept the blinds pulled. Now I have a big office with windows and built in cabinets and it is very nice indeed. I did a lot of moving stuff around this weekend at home too and made my knee hurt. I get so frustrated that I can't do simple things like bending and stooping without having to go sit down and rest like some old lady. My house is getting in order though. I am pleased with the way it is turning out. I stole the picture from spiderwalk's blog some time ago.

Blogging For One Year

2006-08-05T01:37:00.000-05:00

I cannot hardly believe it has been almost 1 year since I started blogging. It started when I was sooo into Big brother and I would go online to see what the people in the house were doing. Some people have live feeds and they have websites and will tell you what's happening. Anyway, I was reading one night and this guy says forget about all this crap go to this bloggers site. He was in New Orleans when they were evacuating the city. This guy had a blog just like we all do and he worked for some support system in N.O. anyway, he would write about all the stuff they never showed on T.V. and they had webcams on the rooftops of the building they were in. Needless to say I was addicted and fascinated by the magnitude of Katrina.One night up in the right hand corner of the blog site I noticed it said next blog.I clicked it and it went to a man's blog in Australia.He was talking about building and staining a bed for his little boy.I have always been enamored with Australia. Even tried to dig my way there as a child.Anyway, his little boy also was sick. Not in the bed sick but not well. He had a congenital abnormality in his little heart and the father was lamenting the possibility of a surgical intervention. Being a nurse of course I wanted to talk to him. Offer him words of encouragement,and to do that I had to have my own blog. So, I started blogging and that was when my whole life just kind of imploded on me.I was pouring my heart and soul out in a public arena. Just laying it out there. No deceit or twisting the truth just putting it out there. The Australian guy and I became friends and then this nice lady Sherry started reading my blog and I hers. She seemed so nice and I actually joined Soldier Angels because of her. Then as time went on and I continued on my downward spiral I kept blogging. And I kept meeting more and more nice people. People who have never laid eyes on me but know more about me than most people I have known all my life. People who have no hidden agenda. People who don't judge and have become my friends. They help me through the bad times and laugh with me thru the good ones. Some are very insightful and some are playful. Some are funny and some are artistic.They live in places like Australia,Alabama,Canada,Florida,Mississippi,Michigan,Georgia,New York,Boston,Memphis,Texas,and many more.Thanks guys for helping me keep it real and always being there for me. I love you all very much. If I ever win the lottery I am throwing a party and flying all of you out for it. Don't forget my shower is coming up. And the parade. Hopefully, by now you all have purchased a tiara and something spangly to wear and have requested the weekend off. Remember my birthday is Jan 5th-Friday. I am already taking it off because it's my birthday. But the next day Saturday the 6th is the shower and the parade. A fun filled day for all.

On Eagle's Wings

2006-08-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

On Eagles Wings
Written by Michael Joncas

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

Refrain
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

Refrain
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

Refrain
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

Refrain
And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

I am not a real religious person but I do believe in God and I am happy to bathe in His light. For some reason this song is stuck in my head and I love it. Maybe you know it too and can get it stuck in your head too.I want this played at my funeral. Not that I plan on dying any time soon but this and The Thrill Is Gone by BB king are the 2 songs that must be played.

The Computer Guy

2006-08-03T10:05:00.000-05:00

The computer guy is here at work today so I have to post fast and then get out and remove my favorites that are not work related. I mean I post when I am on a "break" since I am not a smoker I don't leave the office except to pee. I have been watching the reality show where the band called Supernova with Gilbey clarke,Tommy Lee, and Jason Newsted are looking for a lead singer. I love Patrice Pike. She is an Austin girl and has a kick ass voice although I personally think she is so much better than the sum total of those has-beens. I mean really is it appropriate to call a grown man Tommy?There is however an Australian guy Toby who rocks my little world. He is a hottie and he can sing too. Opps the big boss just showed upa and I am outta here!!

Whatever wednesday is back

2006-08-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

I have always thought Robert was a hottie. He was THE MAN in the '80's. Sarah Jessica Parker had a crush on him too. he had everything a man could want and he pissed it all away for drugs! Man oh man,and now he looks so old! I still love him though!He has the quintessential bedroom eyes.

My Remodel

2006-08-01T22:52:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures of my living room and kitchen. Joe the "handy man" scraped the ceilings and took off ugly wallpaper and patched cracks in the wall. The kitchen cabinets are being handcrafted at this very moment and will be delivered the week of the 14th. I have slowly been bringing things back into the living room but still living out of boxes in the kitchen as you can see. I have a long way to go. I still have drapes,the rug, and the futon covers to put in the living room. I did hang some atrwork this evening. What do you think?

My Cancer

2006-08-01T22:50:00.000-05:00

Here is a picture of my nose where they took the cancer off. Now the stupid scar will be uglier than the cancer!!

For Gary

2006-08-01T22:37:00.000-05:00

There is this place in Bee Cave's called The Natural Gardener and I always think of Gary when I go. It is so beautiful there and it is landscaped to perfection. I love to go at different times of the day to get the light. Here are a few of my favorite pictures. If you ever make it down this way Gary I will take you here. Just make sure you bring a vehicle big enough to haul off a lot of stuff because you will not leave empty handed.

Let Me Show You My Tattoo

2006-08-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

I know you guys thought I was kidding but here it is in all it's glory.It is on my right shoulder. I took this with my phone camera right after I got it. Now it is almost all healed up. A little scabby but that's about it. I finally made it over to my computer at home. I have a lot of photos to show you but I wanted to show this one first.

Ouch I Spoke Too Soon

2006-07-28T16:44:00.000-05:00

I was doing okay until about 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon and holy mother of god, my knee felt twice as bad as it ever did. I was unable to get up from my desk. I had to have one of the happy boys go to the car and bring me the crutches. I went home and took a Vicodin and it dulled the pain to a non crying state. I woke up this morning thinking it would be better but to no avail. I gimped to work on the crutches again. they wear me out! I called the Dr office and they have just called me back to say she will call in some Darvocet for the pain. I have a feiend who works in Longview for a sports clinic. She is a x-ray tech and she says the nubming medicine from the shot wore off is all. She says to give it a few days and rest it as much as possible so I am off to get my pain medicine and spend the next few days in a drug induced and hopefully pain free weekend. I will try to get to my computer this weekend and blog because I know you are all sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear my latest lament!!!

I Have HOPE!!!

2006-07-27T11:19:00.000-05:00

For the first time in a long time I have hope. What a feeling. What a great word. I saw the orthopedic Dr. yesterday. She was so nice and gave me options. Bottom line is I will sometime sooner than later be getting a knee replacement. But not now and not before we try some other therapies. She injected my knee with a cortisone cocktail and it is feeling much better. Still hurts but I ain't crying no more. On a pain scale of 0 being no pain and 10 being horrific the last few days have been at 20 +. Today I am at a 5 and that still hurts but Thank God I can walk. I am too young for a walker. Anyway, we are going do a series of injections in my knee using hyalgen. It is made of rooster combs. The theory is it will pad the bone on bone activity that I have and stimulate my body to secrete the same. I have BAD osteoarthritis. She said it wasn't the worst case she had ever seen but it was up there and definitely the worst she had seen in while. I have been having problems with that knee since I was 25. So, that is my lot in life. I have to approach it as a diabetic would or a person with any other chronic illness. I have to empower it and not the other way around which is essentially what has been happening. She said at this point walking is an intermediate form of exercise for me and I should start with regular swimming 3-5 days a week so I am going to Premier Lady which is close to my house and my friend Connie goes there too. She by the way, is looking and doing great. She has lost I am guessing at least 40 lbs. and she quit smoking at the same time too. She is my new Hero!! Go Connie!! It will be nice to see her beautiful face in the gym! Gotta jet the boss just got here and this girl is outta here!

Holy Moley Wednesday again

2006-07-26T10:25:00.000-05:00

I went home last night with a walker in tow. I need it to get up and down. I have an appt. today with an orthopedic surgeon. She will probably tell me the knee is gone and I need surgery but I need relief now and short of throwing me on her desk and performing the surgery with a dull butter knife I don't think it will get done today. I have a pair of crutches that I used today to get in the office. I can walk ok once I get going and provided I can hold onto furniture or the walls otherwise I could topple. The worst part is getting into the car or out of the car. If I could just be propped up against the wall and strap my computer to my lap I would be set. I spoke with my cousin Linda who lives close by me and she has agreed to stay with me after the surgery for a couple of weeks. Here I am planning the surgery and I haven't seen the Dr yet. I cried and prayed on it all day yesterday.I just cannot imagine that the pain from post-op knee replacement can be any worse the pain I have from it being blown. I need to lose weight so the replacement will work properly but I can't exercise so ... a conundrum for sure. I have yet to be able to sit in front of my home computer as I haven't been able to pry the chair out of the spare bedroom. Help!! Linda, my cousin did come and do my dishes and feed the dogs and a load of laundry for me last night. Love her. Of course 5 of the clits are out of town. They all went to New Mexcio for the week to party and visit relatives. But Kelly and Lois are still in town and they will come to my aid if I ask them nicely.

Tuesday- (my least favorite day of the week)

2006-07-25T09:44:00.000-05:00

Once again it is Tuesday. I have an appt. to see another orthopedic surgeon tomorrow about my knee. I can no longer step up onto a 4 inch ledge and if I manage to make it to the step forget about stepping down. Obviously, this is not the way to motor one's self. It took me a full 5 minutes to get out of the car this morning in the parking lot. I seriously have pain in my knee. On a scale of 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain I ever had I am holding steady at a 7 when I am sitting and not moving my leg. When I have to stand it goes to about a 15. No kidding and to walk on it is 20!! I have blown it out.Yeh, now my worrries are with the fact that surgery is more than likely going to be sooner than later and then there is my job. Remember that my boss was already not happy with the fact that I have been not 100% Now add this to the mix and I will be lucky to have a job after this summer. It is not fair to be middle aged crazy and have a physical affliction too. Damn!!! If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!!
My tattoo is crusty but healing nicely. It itches like crazy though and I am glad it is where it is because if it was where I could see it, I would "pick"at it all the time.
My house is looking good. I still don't have the computer up and running at home but I will get it going soon.My mobilty is keeping me from getting a lot more done.I sit on the couch and think I need to get up and do something but when I get up OUCH!!!

Monday Mishaps

2006-07-24T08:55:00.000-05:00

I haven't been a good blogger lately. My house is in chaos with the remodel and I finally fixed the computer so I can sit in front of it and "surf". I am a big Big Brother fan and it has been killing me that I couldn't get on the computer and check out the houseguests on line. I love Kayser. He is like the Muslim Brad Pitt. My house is so pretty. I spent all weekend buying the drapes and putting things in order in the living room. The kitchen is still in an uproar. I will be so glad when I get a dishwasher. I have also been on yet another diet. I am either on a diet, cheating on a diet, or fixing to start a diet. You would think I would be a skinny gal, but, NOOOO. Not the case. I am such a procrastinator,I should be taking care of myself but I wait until I am up against the wall. And so it is with my knee. I have been to see the Dr. last year. He told me I needed to lose weight.He wanted me to have a gastric bypass and lose the weight and then have a total knee replacement. I said no way was I having a surgically intervened eating disorder. Now I wish I had listened to him. At least been serious about losing the weight.I saw a freind of mine this weekend who had a band put on her stomach. She looked great and said she feels wonderful.I have no will power and my knee is so bad it keeps me from doing any exercise.I have only myself to blame though.I have lost some pounds but not anywhere near enough to be able to show or help with my mobility. Crap!! Why can't they just put me in a coma for a few weeks and wake me up when I am at my goal weight? I mean really they can put a man on the moon...Okay gotta go. I promise to blog every day this week. I also promise to post tons of pictures now I can get to my computer and download all these photos off my camera.

Whatever Wednesday Returns

2006-07-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

This guy is way hot. He is on HBO Entourage.Yesterday I got home to find the handy man is done with the painting and hanging my ceiling fan. But being as it was Tuesday, of course, the thing didn't work so here I went back to Lowe's to replace it and of course I had to get one that was more $$. But it is nice. Hopefully, he will be able to get it up today. Mucho "w" today gotta go the big dog is coming in from San Antonio today!

It's Tuesday ...

2006-07-18T11:49:00.000-05:00

I swear I blogged last night. I have no idea where the post went but it also had a picture of my new tattoo. The painter told me he would be through tomorrow. He says he will call me back next week to see if I have noticed any bald spots or places that need touching up. I am so proud of the paint job. I ran out of money so the floor wil have to wait but that's okay. I will be getting the cabinets for the kitchen delivered hopefully the week of the 14th of August. I am still waiting to hear from the credit union about the loan for a new central air and heating unit. It is HOT here!! 102 in the shade today and forget about the heat index. What is up with that anyways? I always feel so much hotter when they tell you with the heat index it is 108.Shit, it's the humidity that kills you. So far today has been nice but it is Tuesday and well, knowing my track record I am staying low under the radar. The happy boys got another Daschund. Male and he is a choclate color. His name is Lestat. He is so cute and 3 months old. Akasha loves him but Lewis says she is a little jealous. He costs them $500. I found out today Akasha costs $700. Damn I guess I will not be getting one unless it is from the rescue folks. I had no idea they were so costly!My oh my!!Not much else happening.

Thank God it's Friday

2006-07-14T10:03:00.000-05:00

I have made it to the end of another week. This week has been very hard for me as I have said in the past posts. I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday and when I told him about my work situation he became very angry and said that it may take months for my meds to be regulated. He says I have been on the wrong meds for a year and we have to wean me off those meds first. Apparently Effexor has some kick ass side effects and I am experiencing them. He said he would be glad to write me a rx. for a leave from work. I am not wanting that as then I would go nuts with all that time on my hands. I spoke with my boss yesterday morning about all this and it is coming down from corporate that I need to shape up and quit using the excuse of depression for any mistakes I have made which by the way are all paper in nature and deal with billing. No pt's were harmed EVER!! I will see the Dr. again next Thursday to continue to get me on the right meds at the right dosage.I did get the tattoo on my right shoulder and if I could find my camera in the pile of stuff in my house I would post a picture and show you. It is so pretty,pink with green leaves with a touch of white to the petals and a touch of yellow to the leaves. By the way, yellow hurts!It did hurt but not as bad as I thought it would. I have actually had cramps that hurt way more than that!Now I am on Busbar. I took it for the first time last night and I had a really hard time sleeping. When I did sleep, I had nightmares. Very unsettling. I hope this is not something I will have for too long.My goal is to be normal and off all meds. Yuck! I hate taking pills. Thank you all for the support you have and continue to give me.You have no idea how much it means to me and I love each and every one of you. Poor Cory, I even drunk e-mailed him a few times this week. Good thing I don't have his number. For one thing he lives in Australia and another is he works night shift so no telling how he would react to hearing my voice in the middle of his night. LOL Hope everyone has a great weekend. My house is coming along nicely. The guy who is painting has been painting now for 3 weeks. He has another job and comes by after it. I call him my Elvin. Remember the guy on Murphy Brown who was always there painting? That is my Joe. I come home to something new every day!

Fucking Tuesday

2006-07-11T21:56:00.000-05:00

I know I should just stay under the covers on Tuesday. I was doing OK this afternoon when at 4:10 pm my boss calls me in the office to tell me I am not pulling my weight in the office. She feels I have had 3 weeks to get my mental health in order and that from now on I will need to do better. She bases this on the fact that I do not work overtime. We have 5 people in the office and 3 of them are paid by the hour hence the reason for overtime. As a matter of fact, one of them even told me she works thru her lunch and stays over to get the overtime. My boss and I are not hourly. For 1 year I never took a lunch break.I worked 8-5 every day. I figure now when I am having problems is a great time to take my lunch hours. She (the boss) will let people pile stuff on her and never ask for help. I have never been asked for help that I didn't do it. She feels I should be helping out without having to be asked. I feel like I am doing the best I can under the situation I am in and feel if I took on anything other my duties at this point then I would be working overtims with no recompense. I haven't the energy to work any more than I am. Depression is exhausting. She told me that I had 3 weeks to get my meds in line and that I should be up to speed. For one thing I have only been seeing the Dr. for 2 weeks. This Thursday will be my 3rd visit with him and he has changed my meds every time. At this point I am ''swimmy''headed at most times. She feels that I have become a liability to the office so I emailed the assistant adm. and told her I was sorry that I was causing such problems with the office but that actually the problems I am having are the same problems I have been choking on every waking day and that finally I got to the point where I could feel that it was affecting my job. I asked her to please not fire me but give me a chance to resign. Maybe I should ask the Dr' to write a note saying I should not work for the next 2 weeks until we can get my meds and my mental state under control. I could use a rest and time to think about me and no one else. I really don't know what the solution is at this point. I know that the job was the last thing I got joy out of as I am sure you all have gathered. I am stumped as to what to do. To tell you the truth at one point while she is telling me how bad I suck and how my job is in jeopardy she took another call at which time all I could think was 1.It is the eve of Nancy's death day and actually I perceive this day as the day more so because hello it is Tuesday and 2. Could I make it through just 2 Tuesday without some fuckin' drama. Funny how the therapist asked me today if I had ever had thoughts of suicide and I said oh no,but then on the ride home I got to thinking ya know if I was to kick it at least I got the money in the bank for the funeral. Of course the whole fixing the house up would pretty much be over. No, I do not have feeling or thoughts of suicide or even hurting myself except for the tattoo. But, let's face it, I ain't getting any younger and I was never a picture of beauty ever. I am almost 50 and never married and no kids. I am an orphan and I have no one to whom I am the most important person in the world except myself. And as Adam Duritz says "how am I gonna keep myself away from me".

Therapy on Tuesday

2006-07-11T14:45:00.000-05:00

So, I went to see the therapist for the first time today on my lunch break. She seems like a nice lady. She said I have had a lot of loss in my life. Ya think? Anyway, tomorrow is the anniversary of Nancy's death.I have been thinking about having a tattoo in memory of her. I know, I know, but before you nay say me let me tell you why. I have this part of me that hurts...physically hurts when I think about her. In fact, it is amazing to me that a person could have that much pain in their heart and show no physical injury. It is baffling to say the least. I think it must be your soul cracking open. In other cultures they will knock out a tooth or tear their clothing or wear black for a year. Here we give ourselves 3 days to mourn,bury them, and then get over it. I cannot do that. I don't know that I will ever get over it.I miss her as much now if not more than I ever have. I want to get the tattoo because I know it will hurt. I want the physical pain to mirror the pain I have inside. Also, every time I look at the tattoo I will be reminded of her, not that I will ever need anything to remind me of her. She was one of the first friends I ever had here in Austin. She was nice and never treated me like the country bumpkin I was. She made everything fun. She was funny,witty, thought provoking,irreverent,spontaneous,and always, always a joy to be with no matter what the situation.She made life worth living. She saw the beauty in everything and everybody and I so miss her. Her favorite color was pink and she loved roses. When she died I covered her casket in 300 pink roses. I couldn't bear the thought of a bunch of dirt on top of her. Actually everyone at the gravesite threw them in. I even saw pictures that someone's child had made for her thrown in along with other momentos.I haven't been to see her grave but once since the day we buried her. I want to go but it is in San Antonio and I just haven't been able to go yet. To make myself go. I feel like if I went alone I would just lay down and cry for hours. Somehow, that doesn't feel healthy. I do not believe that you can communicate with the dead because if you could then I would have heard from her by now!Okay I gotta get going. I have caused a spillage and need to turn off the waterworks for now. We will see how tomorrow goes. I am planning on putting a pink rose on my right shoulder. That was what I was trying to say before I went on my welling and spilling thing there. In the words of the immortal Groucho Markx "this has all been wonderful but I must be going."

Monday Blues

2006-07-10T09:24:00.000-05:00

Yep! We got to do the "W" folks. I am sorry to cuss you all!! LOL I have been so busy with my house remodel. I can only blog at work during my break because my computer at home is shoved up in the corner and covered with tarp. I went to Lowe's this Friday and wrote a check for $8,797.81 HOLY SHIT!! I never wrote a check for that much ever! And yes, I was a little shaky writing it. The guy said I will write it out for you if you can sign it. LOL They are putting in my cabinets and counter top and sink,dishwasher,etc. They are also tearing it out and cleaning up afterward. You go Lowe's. Hopefully the painting will be done by then. What was going to take a few days has turned into a lot more than that but ya'll my house is gonna be so pretty. Everyone will be invited when I get it done. Right now, I am hardly ever there because it is in such disarray."S" I will try to email you from my home computer. I cannot do it from my work one because it is not my default e-mail it says. Whatever!!I hope everyone is doing good. I also started a new diet today. Nutrisystem. My sister is having a gastric bypass done this morning in Ft. Worth. Let's see who does the best! I personally did not think she needed it but if that is what she wants then go for it. She has a poor self image of herself and always has. Hey, I know I am fat but I am just so damn cute that well, what can I say? Did I also tell you guys I am thinking of getting a tattoo on my shoulder? I want to get a pink rose in memory of Nancy. Her death day is coming up real soon. The 12th of this month. It doesn't seem like a year has flown. I started blogging in September I think maybe August. It is all been a blur to me. the Dr. put me on Remeron. It is so strong that if I try to do "anything" else while on this medication I lose time.I took a puff or 2 this weekend and lost 2 hours. It was scary so no more of that. I am too old. I did however manage to get tickets to see Bonnie Raitt at the Backyard(outdoor venue) for October. I also got Counting Crow tickets for San Antonmio and Dallas. Yeh, that's what I'm talking about. Liz, I will be in Dallas in Sept. for sure. LOL like I won't be there before then! I am going out tonight to Antone's (a blues club) to hear Marcia Ball, Angela Strelhi, Lou Ann Barton, and Toni Price. These are all some blues singing women from Texas.Time to get back to work. My boss looks like she is not in a good mood today! Gotta lay low.

Whatever Wednesday

2006-07-05T11:16:00.000-05:00

I feel that this guy has one of the hottest bodies ever!!

EVER!!!! I love Lenny and his music rocks too!

Fireworks day

2006-07-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

Wow I haven't blogged in a while. My house is a mess as I am having the inside painted and all my stuff is shoved up against the wall and covered up by a tarp but today the painters are off and so am I. I tried to wean myself off the Effexor because the Dr said it was addictive and I will not be addicted to anything except maybe chocolate. I have successfully decreased it to 150mg/day from 450mg/day. It was kind of weird because at 1 time it seemed like I was tripping or something. I am going to my friend Jana's house later this afternoon to lay by the pool and then we will got to my secret spot to watch the fireworks. Hope the RB doesn't show up there too. I had a dream last night that he was trying to get Osa away from Chula and me. I was not having any of it either. The days are better for me and although the nights are still lonely I am doing so much better than 2 weeks ago. I think I had what they would have called a nervous breakdown in the '60's. But now I fell like I am thru the middle and working my way to the other side. I can't quite explain how I felt other than to compare it to tubing. Have you ever been tubing? It is like the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off on the river. I felt like I was tubing on a flood filled river. I was going by so fast and I was reaching out trying to grasp a hold of a twig,leaf,brach,limb... anything and I couldn't quite reach any of them. My little tube was pushed around and then I went over a waterfall into a dry gulch and there I sat on my tube on the river bottom. Not moving at all. I had to get up and grab my tube and walk to where I could put my tube back in the water. Once I got in the water it was like so stagnant I had to paddle like crazy to get to the nice part. You know where you just float along without having to work at it and you lay back on your tube and enjoy the ride with your friends in tow. That is where I am now... enjoying the ride with my face pointed up at the clear blue sky. And happy to be here. There will be some rapids ahead but they make the trip fun. No more dry bottom gulches and the thing that got me back in the water was the laughter of my friends downstream. I had them to catch up with. Once I got to them I could tie my tube to theirs and relax. Like the song says" I get by with a little help from my friends" I wish everyone had good friends like me. Friday night we were all together over at Jana's house. Jan got laid off so she now has the summer off. I hope she can enjoy it without worrying too much about money. I love you guys. Jan,Jana,Gail, Connie, Lois, and Kelly. How blessed I feel knowing no matter what comes my way my girls got my back. So when you raise a glass tonight remember to taost one to the NCC I love the clits and the clits love me.!!

What color red are You??

2006-06-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

You Are Apple Red

You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun.
And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial.
Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well.
However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you.

What Color Red Are You?

This is actually pretty spot on me thinks!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-06-28T09:24:00.000-05:00

Chris Cornell- he is the lead singer for Audioslave. A kickass band for sure. I so love all their stuff and in concert is amazing. He used to be the front man for Soundgarden.He is very nice on the eyes and in person his eyes will mesmerize you. Clear blue like a lake.

7 Deadly Sins

2006-06-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Medium
Pride:	Very Low

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

I stole this from Spiderwalk's site. I think it is funny that I am high on sloth and gluttony Duh, no shit !

Of Course I have Cancer It's Tuesday!!

2006-06-27T13:59:00.000-05:00

Well, You would think I would not even think about going to a Dr. on a Tuesday with my track record of that most heinous of days. But NOOOOOO!!!!! I saw a dermatologist today for a spot on the bridge of my nose and he did a biopsy but said it was cancer. The good news is for cancer it is a good one to have. It is slow growing and non invasive meaning it doesn't spread.Anyway,he says I will come back next week and we will treat it then. I am assuming that means we will take it off. We meaning him. I know it is just a little thing but I gotta tell ya when I heard the word carcinoma I swear all I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest. I thought I was impervious to such common diseases!! So, now I have a bandage on my nose and it is driving me nuts. I fear I will go cross eyed!LOL.I told my friend Lewis who has the lymphoma that I could not stand for him to have something and me not have it so I got some cancer of my own. I was undecided as to what kind to get so I went for the more non-committal basil cell cancer.He laughed and thought that was funny. I am having dinner tonight with the happy boys as a matter of fact. I get to see Akasha to boot. My house is still all messed up with the painting going on. I went last night and got the paint for the walls and the handy hot guys are going to paint the walls too. They are mine all week. Gotta get a picture of them. I am usually too busy bossing them around.LOL My walls are going to be 2 walls dark chocolate with glitter in it. The evening sun hits one of the walls and when it does it should lite that up like crazy. the other 2 walls and the kitchen will be a pale teal color and the entry way to my bedroom and the hallway and the front foyer will be lime green. Okay I gotta get going. Happy Tuesday

Just Another Manic Monday

2006-06-26T08:59:00.000-05:00

Well, it has been a roller coaster of emotions for me this past week. I cried the first part of the week then was in a drug induced haze the rest of the week. I finally came out of the fog a little on Saturday-still kind of loopy. But yesterday was not too bad. The new drug changes are taking a while to get used to I guess. I slept from 6pm Friday evening till 10am Saturday morning. I got Saturday and felt hung over and my perception was askew. Like when I walked or even worse, I drove the dog to the groomers. It felt like a was stoned which is great if that is what you are going for but not so good if you aren't ready to be blitzed. I guess I am more of a lightweight than I ever thought possible. Yesterday, the guys came to scrape float and paint my ceilings and tear the wallpaper down in the entry way and kitchen. They are young guys probably not more than 25 yrs. old. They were like yeh, we can knock this out in 1 day. Not! So, they did get everything scraped but not so much for the painting. I stayed at Jana's all day lounging in or around the pool. We kept going back to check on the boys to see the progress and plus they are both hotty hott hotts. Nothing better than hot sweaty cute guys doing work to make your house more beautiful. Ohhhh, I think I just came!! Who knows what will happen when the new ceiling fan goes up!! LOL!!! I took before pictures and I will take after too because I just know you are all dying to see the work huh? And maybe just maybe a shot of a cute sweaty guy??? That is it for now.

Yeah,it's Friday

2006-06-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I saw the head Dr yesterday and he said I was on all the wrong drugs for my depression. He put me on a new drug Remeron and decreased the Effexor I will have to gradually go up on one and down on the other. I slept really well last night but was so groggy on the way to work and then when I got here it was hard to get going. I hope they can adjust the meds to my liking so to speak. I have to go back next week and the weeks after for testing. I know one test will be the Roshak (sp) test. That is where they show you ink blots and you say what they look like. I should just say penis to everyone of them LOL. Not really. I will be as truthful as possible. I just know that I don't want to be unhappy and I don't want to be fucked up all the time. I mean not that I don't like getting high hey who wouldn't but not at work or during the day or going to the store ,like all the time. I feel like a stoner must feel who gets up smoking and goes to bed smoking. I am looking forward to the weekend. I thought I might like to sleep in tomorrow but Osa has an appt to get her hair cut. Her summer do if you will. Then Sunday the guys are coming to scrape and paint my ceilings in the living room and the kitchen. They are also going to put up my new ceiling fan in the living room. Things are getting done. Slow but sure. Still waiting to hear back on my loan request for a new A/C - heating unit.

Officially Crazy

2006-06-22T09:17:00.000-05:00

If you have been reading this drivel then you all know I am in a BAD state of depression. I have no tools to dig my way out so I decided to get some prefessional help. I called and made an appt. to see a psychiatrist. I was calling around to all the Dr's. on the "list" on my insurance and so many of them weren't taking new pts. There must be a lot of crazy people in the town or else a lot of peopl on the same shitty insurance I am on. I called one place and was told I could get in July 21st.Another one said July 18th. Yet another said July 5th. Dang, just the mere fact that I picked up the phone and called for an appt. should tell you something people. Yeh, just let me put my nervous breakdown on the back burner till after the holidays and the Dr gets off vacation. Uh, no! I finally got hold of a lady who after I told her that I was calling for help and that I wasn't sure how long I could wait because frankly I needed it last week. She told me to come in today. So, I am seeing someone this afternoon. Now, before you go thinking I am gonna be lying on a couch and spilling my guts that is not how it works. The dr. prescribes the medication. maybe mine isn't working well for me. If I need therpay he will assign me to a therapist who I will spill my guts to. Drs. hardly ever listen to pt's themselves unless you're like a Sybil or something really interesting. I took a chill pill this morning before work. Cried on the way to work. And now I feel FINE. fucked up-insecure-neurotic-emotional!!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-06-21T10:32:00.000-05:00

This is Ice Cube. I have had a crush on him ever since I saw him in Boyz in the Hood. I have seen all his movies some good, some not so good. But above all he is in them. I tried to find more pictures of him smiling because he has the cutest dimples but he is also a rapper and i guess he has to have that bad boy image. Enjoy folks. Oh and by the way, I broke my toe next to the pinky toe. Ouch. I stubbed it and it was sticking out at a strange angle not like a toe should do and I reached down and popped it back in place. no, it didn't hurt. THEN! Now it is throbbing like a junior high boy in a girls' locker room. And it is about that big and purple too.LOL

The Only Cab on the Road

2006-06-20T09:14:00.000-05:00

I have been crying now every day for so long I don't think I would know what to do if I didn't cry. I wake up in the morning and while I am getting ready for work, I think about Nancy. I drive to work and I think about Nancy. I work and all during the day, I think about Nancy. I drive home and on the way home I think about Nancy. I sleep at night and I dream of Nancy and I doing crazy things like riding a roller coaster or on a train station platform. I tried to get into a grief counseling session but when the lady interviewed me and I told her I had lost my very best friend in the whole world last summer and then 6 weeks later my boyfriend of 10 yrs. decides to love another, and then I get close to a little dog who ends up being lost to me too. In the course of the interview she said "so you didn't lose a family member then, just a friend and a dog"? I looked at her and thought surely she doesn't mean what she says. It just came out wrong,right? Then she says "well, we need to figure out a group for you." Most of our folks have gone through a loss of a spouse or family member" WTF? Are the groups divided between whose grief is more important or do the friends lost go to one group and family lost to another? What about the loss of a pet or your home,job,religion?? Needless to say, I am not going back there until I have a real issue to deal with. I mean after all, it was just a friend!I am trying so hard to be a single woman but I just do not remember how to do that. I remember when I moved Marshall in with me how strange it felt and how I would sit beside him on the couch and get panic attacks silently freaking out wondering if this was worth it and then he would look at me and I would melt. I do know that I enjoy living alone or I did. I don't like roommates. I just have to figure out how to be single. I think I let myself go over the last 10 yrs. because I could. Now, I am a big fat slob who is almost 50 yrs old. I have no life to speak of other than fixing up my house and the animals. You would think with all my friends I would be okay but they all have family and well...The days are better the nights are still so lonely. Sometimes I think I'm the only cab on the road.

Blogger's Blah

2006-06-19T10:01:00.000-05:00

I haven't entered anything because I haven't done anything of interest. Right now, I am focused on my home repairs. I found a guy willing to scrape the ceilings and prime and paint them and hang my new ceiling fan for 335 dollars. I have to buy the paint. Hello, I love this guy. I gotta hurry up and use him before he realizes how cheap he is working. The cabinet guy will be able to install them in 2 weeks I think which is good because I need to get those ceilings done before then. Then a girl I work with whose husband works at a tile place says they are throwing out a lot of tile next Saturday and I am gonna go dumpster diving.Hey, I am from South Austin I don't mind dumpster diving except I can't get in there and plan on taking Kaylee with me.

My life with Men part 4

2006-06-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

After Dan split I went kind of crazy with the sport fucking. I dated a cabbie who was way cute but he was Jewish and every time he came he felt guilty about it. He had to give it up after a while. I started dating Tom again. The big Swede. He was more attentive and we got along better.He moved in with me and we had a great holiday season. I remember for my birthday he met me at the door wearing nothing but a big bow on his pecker and when he opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue it read happy birthday baby. This was in the early 80's and the big thing to do was hot tub. He took me to a hot tub rental place and we had 2 bottles of champagne. It was a nice nice time. Then in Feb. we both got the flu and were stuck with each other sick for a week. After that week he/we decided it was time for him to get his own place.He did and we continued to see each other but he was strange. Sometimes he wanted me and sometimes he would push me away. This went on for a few months. Then one day we were supposed to be planning a big weekend camping and fishing. I was feeling kind of like I had the flu but my hips were killing me. I mentioned this to Tom and he got all quiet. We ended up going camping anyway but by the time we got back I knew something was wrong. I had a lesion on my labia. I went to see my OB/GYN and guess what? Yep, genital herpes. I asked Tom and he told me yes he had it but that he had always made sure when we did it he was not having a breakout and wanted to know if I was sure I got it from him. Well, since you are the only one I have had sex with in 6-8 months then yeh, I think it was you. I was hurt and angry that he would not tell me about it before we got involved. That was why he would be all lovey one time and blow me off the next. It wasn't me at all. It was him! What a jerk. I was devastated. My life was over. I stayed home and felt sorry for myself.
A few weeks later he came over late one night after a night of drinking and came into the house. He knew where the key was hidden. He tried to crawl in bed with me and I jumped up and said no way dude. He said hey why not I haven't got anything you haven't got. Fucker! We argued and he finally fell asleep or passed out rather on my couch. I sat there for a while looking at him and his beautiful body. Perfect in every way. But what a jerk. I had to get up early the next morning to go to the "w". I got up went to the kitchen ,looked in the junk drawer and there it was, the super glue! I went back to Tom and took the glue and glued his dick to his stomach. My only regret was I didn't glue his hand to his dick to his stomach. I went to bed got up he was still passed out and left the house. When I came back he was gone and I never heard from him again. Years later, a friend of mine said she had met him at a bar and asked about that night. I guess she didn't believe my story. he told her yes, I did it and he had to go to the ER and ended up having skin grafts done to his penis. Hey, I figure I did the female population of Travis county a service for a while anyway. I did see him about 5 yrs later at a party. he was very nice to me. But he never got within arm's reach of me. LOL

Whatever Wednesday

2006-06-14T10:42:00.000-05:00

This is for my friend Jana who sometimes looks at my site. She loves a bald headed man. Yes, she does. Vin is hot and bald so there ya go Jana!!

My Life with Men Part 3

2006-06-13T09:23:00.000-05:00

Okay,so right around the time the Dr. was asking me to marry him, I was dating a way cute guy I met At Sandy's (hamburger joint)it turned out to be nothing but it was good for my self esteem. After the Dr. thing I was a little let down but not my style anyway. Not just the bi thing but the whole lifestyle of playing a part I wasn't. Around this time I went to a Labor day party with some friends out at City Park. It is a nice place nestled on the Colorado river called Lake Austin. We were sitting around the campfire having dinner and drinking wine,playing guitars and singing you know chillin'. Anyway, these 3 guys came up and asked if they could join our fun. 2 of them were on the road from Washington DC and the other guy was by himself and on the road from California.His name was Dan. He was co cute and had a really nice smile. I remember looking at him and telling my girlfriend "I'm gonna drink this bottle of wine and then I am taking that guy home and fucking him" Romantic I know but I was young and crude and knew exactly what I wanted. He came home with me and OMG it was to this day the best sex I ever had. Not to mention he was the best kisser ever.The next day I took him back to his campsite. he was very interesting and played the guitar and sang. The other 2 guys he had befriended also played music,banjo and the mandolin. The 3 of them would play together at this bar across the river for beer and dinner. They were kind of like wanderers. I was fascinated by the freedom of their lives. Camping out and doing whatever they wanted. Going where the wind blows. Dan and I became inseparable. If he wasn't at my house I was camping with him under the stars.I fell in love with him. He was kind and gentle and always up for something fun. He was soft spoken and he loved me right back. He had a 1964 ford panel van. It was great for camping. By October he had decided to stay in Austin instead of moving on because of me. He moved in a few weeks later. We were so happy never had a fight or a cross word. I had never had a man who made me feel so complete. My Grandmother adored him and so did all my friends. My mom however never met him because she said her husband refused to let Dan in his house. Not because he was a bad man but because he felt that anyone who would want to be with me must be a loser and he wanted no part of it. Whatever! Just gave me an excuse not to go to her house for the yearly Thanksgiving ritual. Anyway, during that time I also quit my job in the trauma unit and Dan and I decided to take to the road. It was 4 months of adventure and travel. After that we came back to earth and settled into the routine of daily life. I got a job working as an agency nurse doing private duty and then went to work at the dialysis clinic. Dan started doing house painting. We were busy and didn't see one another too much. I was going in at 4am and off by 1pm. I was in bed by 7pm. He would get off at 6-7pm so we missed each other. We had gotten 2 little mutt labs-girls,Donna and Amber. I came home one afternoon and lay down to take a nap. I would nap and then get up when he came home and have dinner and spend a little time with him. I woke up about midnight and he wasn't home yet. This was before cell phones and beepers were for pimps and drug dealers.I was confused. I looked in the closet and the drawers and he was gone. I also noticed that one of the puppies was gone. Well, I had noticed that before but just thought he had taken one with him to work. He did that sometimes. I was frantic. I got in the car and drove out to the lake where we used to camp. Sure enough, he was there. I asked him WTF? I cried and he must have freaked out because he ended up coming back home with me and holding me and petting me all night telling me how much he loved me and how he would not leave again. I fell asleep in his arms, got up and went to work at 10am that morning. I had a bad feeling all day and sure enough when I came home that evening he was gone. Both dogs were home and he had left me a note saying he was just not the kind of man who could settle down. He said he loved me but if I could just understand that he was a traveller.It broke my heart. Again, I was left abandoned. I couldn't eat,sleep,think,nothing. All I could do was work and man did I do that. One good thing about being a nurse is you can always lose your problems there. Everyone has bigger more emergent problems than you and you can actually fix their problems,unlike your own. I remember Nancy was so worried about me that she came and spent the night with several times but that just made it worse. Not only was I unable to sleep but I had to be quiet because I didn't want to wake her up. He wrote me a letter about 1 month later with a picture of him at a campground playing his guitar. He ended up in Oswego,New York. That was his home town. I lost contact after he called and said he missed me and would come back but the van had busted and he had no money to get here. So, yeh, I did, sent him western union enough money for a plane ticket. Guess what, I never heard from him again. When I tried to call his family's house I was told to leave him alone that he didn't want to talk to me. I loved him so totally and completely that to this day if I think about him very long I can well up. I remember telling the next few guys I dated that I would leave them in a heartbeat if he came back. So, if anyone out there knows Dan Jennings from Oswego,New York age 55 0r 56 now,tell him I said hey asshole I am finally over you. We were together for 9 months. It seemed like a lifetime. They say it is better to love and loose than never to be loved at all. I wonder about that. I wonder how you know if you are loved. I mean, maybe he was just hanging out until the weather got better and he could get back to roaming. Did he love me? Seems like if he did he wouldn't have left me. They always leave one way or another. Everyone I love or who loves me ends up leaving me.

Monday ,Monday

2006-06-12T08:41:00.000-05:00

You would think with a broke foot I could at least get off but no, I gotta come to work. I am taking Vicodin so I hope no one wants me to remember anything I don't write down. I only took 1/2 but man my foot is throbbing. I need a chaise lounger so I can keep my foot up. WAHHHH!!!!! I finally got all , well almost all of the debris removed from my backyard. I paid my friend's son a lot of money to do it and he cleaned the yard nicely and put all the debris to the side of the house(much to my neighbors dismay) and took off a trailer full and a pickup load and then never came back. Oh well, lesson learned never pay for something till it's done. I did find a guy who will come and do some stuff around the house like scraping the popcorn cathdral ceiling, priming and painting too.Hopefully, tomorow he wil come and fix my outside light. He will be my rent a honey do. Maybe when he sees my broken foot he will give me a discount.

Broke My foot!!!

2006-06-10T23:11:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's broke all right. I went last evening to Lewis' going away party at Chuy's. Everyone was on the patio and I wanted to sit down so I moved the chair back and the back legs went off the patio and onto the grass causing the chair to topple backward and I stumbled but didn't fall. I twisted my foot in my new shoes. I sat down and drank 2 margaritas but my foot was throbbing. I thought I had hurt it but also thought because my shoes were new and I had them on for about 12-13 hours that maybe they were just tired . When I got up to leave my right foot was killing me. I was driving home talking to Jan on the phone and she said a few of the clits were there. I got there and got out of the car and could barely walk to the door. When I walked in they were all like what is up with the limp and I said "oh new shoes" and kicked them off had another drink and a "smoke". When I got up to leave the pain was incredible and no way was the shoe going on. I hobbled home and really looked at it. I have a walking boot from when I had bad heel spurs. I put that thing on took a Vicodin and went to bed. This morning I could tell it was broke. No, I didn't go to the ER. I am not going to pay someone to x-ray my foot and then put a boot on it and tell me no weight bearing on it for a week or so. I'm a nurse and know a fracture when I see and feel one.As long as no bones are poking out or floating around I am okay. I have Vicodin left over from another injury and Kelly brought me migas for breakfast and fed the animals. Jana came by with a cheeseburger cooked with love from Dale and Lois who broke her foot last summer is bringing me her crutches tomorrow. I am all set except for the fact that I missed San Antonio. But it ain't going nowhere. But the worst part is that Garden Ridge Pottery is having an 82 hour sale that is really, really big. Like right now at 11:30 pm I could be there shopping. Right now!! Damn you broken foot. Broken summer foot. Bummer!!As you can see though the Vicodin is keeping me sedate!!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-06-07T23:26:00.000-05:00

Vince Vaughn is hot and funny. Double whammy

The Drama is over ( for now)

2006-06-06T21:54:00.000-05:00

Apparently after MPP last outburst my boss and his boss sat down with their boss and now a memo came around saying anymore outbursts in the office or personal arguments,slander,harassment, and general disruption of the work day that the person or persons responsible will immediatlely be walked out and put on suspension. Two such incidences will result in immediate termination. So,MPP calls and leaves me a voice mail saying "well I guess I will be the first one to say sorry. I am sorry for my behavior and I hope we can get thru this and continue to be friends. I miss our friendship".Okay, just so you all know this is not his first outburst or mean streak. Just the first one he has directed at me. Lewis and he have been fighting about this for a while. Finally, Lewis told me he had told Adrian that he loved him very much but that if he ever asked him to choose between him and me that he ( MPP) would be dissappointed with the choice. Not because he loves me more but because Lewis knows I would never ask him to make that decision because I love him. I have to be civil to him for 2 reasons,we work together and Lewis. The dog is no longer an issue. I have decided that I will be glad to see her at work when he brings her around but I cannot have her back in my house anymore. Not without the papers for her!I will accept his apology because as I said we work together. And for my own piece of mind, I will even forgive him for his treatment of me. But, I will never forget it, ever. I will never again allow him or anyone to ever have that kind of leverage over me or my emotions. I have applied for a rescue puppy from the Commanche puppy mill raid. They want to come and look at my house. WTF?? Well, it is dog friendly that much I can say.

6-6-6 and it's Tuesday

2006-06-06T08:59:00.000-05:00

This may be one day I should have stayed in bed! But, my sense of humor tells me of course 6-6-6 falls on a Tuesday! I am at work diligently slugging along Miss prissy pants has decided to ignore me but TALK REALLY LOUDLY ABOUT ME TO ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN. FORTUNATELY NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN. HE IS NOW BEHIND CLOSED DOORS WITH HIS BOSS BECAUSE AS HE WAS SO LOUDLY DEFAMING ME AND MY CHARACTER THIS MORNING WHO WALKS IN EARLY BUT... TA DA HIS BOSS!HEE HEE INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YA!

Miss Prissy Pants Part 2

2006-06-05T14:41:00.000-05:00

Ok so I have been ignoring him but that only infuriates him which is kind of fun to watch. He now stands in front of my door and acts like he is talking to someone and clandestinely shoots me the finger. He did it about 3 times and then I got to thinking about how the last time I saw that was in like 7th grade so I started laughing and got up and shut my door. he comes back and throws my door open and tells me to quit slamming doors and to start acting professionally. I asked him to please step away from my door and shut it. He again yelled at me to start acting like a professional. I again asked him to please step away from my door and to quit talking to me . He slammed the door and immediately got called on the carpet by his boss and mine. He eventually left the office and I am so hoping he will be gone all day. Poor Lewis says they fought over this whole thing all weekend because Adrian wants Lewis to sever ties with me which will never happen. So, they are at an impasse. If it wasn't so painful to Akasha,me and Lewis it would be funny because as I said it is very high school. What a goof! Anyway, I feel he will implode up here soon and in front of the wrong people. He has already taken to lying. He told his boss and mine that I attacked him in the conference room this morning. Believe me, if I had of done that, the little fag would be bloody from his nose to his toes. Sorry for the bad word but he is a prissy little faggot. I really believe the only reason he hooked up with Lewis is because he can manipulate him into thinking that Lewis would be alone without him. Lewis is scared of dying alone. Adrian is so petty. He is jealous of my relationship with Lewis and Akasha. How sad and pathetic is that?? I am going on break and try to see if I can clear my head. I have called about going to grief counseling. Well, it is more like a group meeting and it is free. I will check it out and see if it helps me. I feel I cannot cope with all the loss I have had this past 10 months. Oh and by the way, I had a bunch of pictures of Akasha on my desk and around my office.When I came in this morning, they are all gone! Whatever! Like I don't have a million at home. But, I had to put them in the box of pain and put it in my room of pain. I told you I have one room in my house that is so cluttered and messy and it is full of things that are painful to look at right now. I believe once I clear that room out, a lot of my pain will go too. But, right now I can't deal with it. Hell, I am doing good to get up and get to work every morning. I hate even having to shower every day and consider it a chore. WTF?? I love baths. I am losing it people.

Monday morning with Miss Prissy Pants

2006-06-05T09:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I am at work and the mean hearted man whose name I cannot even say was of course in there running his prissy mouth. God, I so want to love everyone in this world that You made but man oh man is is hard when you harbor so much resentment and anger and pain for one person. I have prayed on this and I realize that it is not normal to cry for 3 days over a little dog that does not belong to me. I think it is a combination of Nancy's death, Marshall's betrayal and abandonment.The horrible fight and cutting myself off (for my own sanity) from my mother and now the dog thing. It is like the levy broke and I am drowning. I do not have the tools to deal with this. I do not like crying at the drop of a hat. I am going to look into grief counseling. I know this something I have not sought out before but I need to heal. I went to a Unitarian church service yesterday. No, the roof didn't cave in. I went because a very dear friend of mine who lives in Tulsa was here with her beautiful daughter who was singing in the children's choir. It was lovely and uplifting. I asked them what was the difference between this religion and any of the others and was told it is Jesus without the magic. A liberal religion.?? Whatever. People were there in shorts and piercings and tattoos flip flops, etc. Interesting.Well, I have managed to ignore the little priss as he flits around being too gay for gays. He so wants me to at least acknowledge his presence which I am not. Hey, I'm working here!!!LOL I tried to post phots from the Friday night party for Lois' birthday. It was a wild and crazy night.But of course blogger was being a turd! I will try again tonight because you want to see these pictures!

My Life with men Part 2

2006-06-03T04:14:00.000-05:00

After I moved to Austin I dated a lot of loser guys. I mean they were musicians,poets,writers,songwriters,painters,sculptors,well you get the picture. I was 25 and looking good. 5'11'' and size 9. I would go out dancing 3 times a week and that is great exercise. I met this guy Tom. He was a big beautiful Swede from Minnesota. He looked like Sting but better looking. Girls would stop us on the street because they really thought he was Sting. I fell in love with him. He was a poet and he would whisper lovely made up on the spot poems for me. He turned me onto Charles Bukowski.He was a good lover and had a huge dick. We were not that great together because he would be all into me one week and then blow me off the next. I was obsessed with him though. He was very charismatic.I caught him cheating on me. I went to his house with lasagna. I looked in the window and there he was fucking some girl. I took the lasagna and smeared it all over the door and wrote asshole in lipstick on his car windshield.Then I went home and got drunk with 2 girlfriends and we went back and slashed his tires. Yeh, I know I am not proud but he hurt me and I needed to retaliate. Needless to say we broke up. But that was okay because I was now dating a really nice Dr, also named Tom. He was so not like me though. He liked to go out to eat at fine restaurants and I never wore the same thing twice around him. I also didn't cuss,smoke or act all crazy. He introduced me to his parents. I had told him I had always wanted to live in Perth. He applied for a fellowship in Perth. He got it and then he asked me to marry him. I knew before he asked me he was going to ask. He prefaced it with "I really am fond of you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. But, there is something I want you to know, I haven't been with a woman in 7 yrs.''At first, I thought he meant he had not had sex in that length of time because when we finally did do it it was like the first high school awkward thing going on. Not true, he had been with men. I had to turn him down. I mean I saw the 2 story house with the white picket fence with the 2 kids and the golden retriever in the yard.. Everything except the fact that he was gay. I was heartbroken but I really was not in love with him he was just what I should have been looking for or so I thought.After that I went kind of crazy and just sport fucked for a while. It was shallow meaningless sex with really cute guys.Little did I know I was about to meet my true love.

Akasha, how I love ya

2006-06-02T09:38:00.000-05:00

I have lost the little weenie! I have been sharing her with the happy boys. This is my dear friend Lewis and his lover Adrian. I kept her during the week and they kept her on the weekends. I got her Tuesday this week since Monday was a holiday. Adrian takes her to the nursing homes on Friday but he told me this week to bring her to him on Thursday because he wanted to take her 2 days in a row to hit all the places he needs to go. He took her out yesterday and came back very upset because she had been aggressive with another dog at the nursing home and had pooped on the floor there too. It was raining outside so that is why I figure she pottyed inside. I do not know why she would be aggressive to the other dog though. Adrian came to me and said that we had a problem because every time he takes her to the nursing homes after she has been with me she is naughty. Like it is my fault. He was mean to her the rest of the afternoon. Pushing her away and scolding her. She is 6 months old and she doesn't understand why he was cold to her. He told me he was not comfortable taking her to the nursing homes anymore until she gets some training. I agreed with him and he asked me to join him. I said ok. He told me to just go ahead and take her back home with me. I took this to mean he would not be taking her out again today. When I got to work this morning he came in and asked where she was. I told him she was at home. He became very upset and started screaming at me about how I always do this and it is his dog and he just wants to bring her home and let her stay there with him. He told me I had ruined his whole day and I was inconsiderate. I asked him what he was going on about. I apologized for the misunderstanding but also told him I didn't want him to use the dog as a weapon against me if he was mad at me or just upset and needed to be mad at someone. He continued to tell how it was an inconvience if he wanted her that he would have to come to my house. He has done this once.He was already in the area of town and he was the one who said he would come and get her. Anyway he was so mean to me that one of my co-workers had to come and tell him to get off of me and he jumped on her too. Finally, Lewis came out of his office and said Mary, it is ok. You have apologized and tried to explain to him that it was a misunderstanding and if he can't accept that just walk away from him.I, of course, went into my office and started to cry and continue to do so as I write this. I have decided that it is too hard on me to keep her anyway. I always get maulding whenever she is gone and have become very attached to her.Guess you all know this by now. She was so sweet this morning and had I known I would not see her again I would have held her more and kissed her more. I never got to say goodbye. I have decided that when he gets over his hissy fit and wants to befriend me again I will tell him that I cannot take her anymore unless it is to babysit if they go out of town or something like that. I have housetrained her and given her tons of toys and clothes that he dresses her in to go to the nursing home. I feel like a divorced mom who just lost cudstody. Right now, I am so hurt and devastated over this and can't quit crying. I do not care for Adrian at this point and actually always thought he was a bit of a drama queen. But he is Lewis' love and I love Lewis so there ya go. Okay ,I guess I am through with this rant but, my oh my, I have lost yet another love in my life. I do not think I can take anymore losses in my life at this time. And to top it off I can't quit crying.I feel like a baby. Even chocolate isn't helping. I plan on getting my head stuck in a vodka bottle as soon as possible and keeping it there for at least the weekend.

Confusion

2006-06-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

I set up a new template for my site and it was all pretty and stuff. Then tonight I get on line and it is not even what I had and I have no idea what the hell happened.Now I can't figure out how to get my other one back. Rat Bastards!!

My life with men part 1

2006-06-01T10:27:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to figure out what the deal is with me and men. My first serious relationship was when I was 20 yrs. old. I had just graduated from nursing school in my home town of Paris,Texas. I was seeing this man named Dave Mitchell. He was nice and good looking. He was the ex-husband of a friend of my then roommate. We started dating and he was all in love really fast and I was so young I think I could have confused lust for love. He was a Vietnam vet and had some anger issues.First off, let me just say NEVER EVER date a friend's old lover.Even a friend of a friend's old lover. This woman drove us to distraction. She would break into our house and take his things, put them in a pile and set them on fire. Oh yeh, can we say dysfunction??? Anyway, things got hot and heavy and the next thing you know we are planning a wedding. We had decided to move out of town for obvious reasons. We went to Austin. I got a job working in the trauma unit in town and he registered for classes at U.T. We found an apt. and were getting married on Friday and leaving for Austin that same day. Wednesday night rolls around and Dave goes out with his buddies for a little bachelor party. We had packed up all our stuff. The apt. was furnished and so was the one we were moving into so we just had boxes and suitcases. He comes home after midnight way drunk and can't find his keys. We lived in a 2 story duplex with a slider in the kitchen. He takes a brick and throws it through the slider. I wake up of course and come downstairs. When I see what he had done I started bitching. I mean hello, we are leaving in 2 days not to mention there is a big gaping hole in the door. How's that for security? He kept telling me to shut up which I had no intention of doing. I continued to bitch and gripe about his actions and generally just becoming more and more excited. He pushed me to get me out of his face. I pushed him back and he turned on me and beat me down but good. I slid to the kitchen floor in a big old mess crying and cowering in the corner. He went upstairs and immediately fell into a stupor. I sat on the floor in the kitchen and thought about what had just transpired. I decided I was not going to be that woman. I got my stuff,packed my Camero up and went back in the house one more time to make sure I had everything.There was an empty 32oz. glass coke bottle sitting by the fridge. I picked it up and went back upstairs and stood there looking at him. He was on his stomach . I took the bottle and cold-cocked him first,then I beat him about the head,shoulders, and back with that bottle. Then I ran down the stairs,out of the apt. , and drove straight to Austin. A couple of months later I was working the night shift and I came out after work one morning to the parking garage and he was sitting on my car. We talked and he admitted he was way out of line. He was begging me to take him back and give him another chance. We went and got coffee and talked. He told me his car had broke down and he took the bus to Austin. I told him he could stay with me to see how it worked out. That night he wanted to sex me up but I was not into that yet. He became violent and told me I was a prick tease. We must have been loud because the neighbors called the cops. They came and asked me if I wanted to press charges. I told them no but asked them to take him to the bus station and make sure he left town. They did. I never heard from him again. I did see him once about 3 yrs. later in Paris. I was with my Grandmother in her car. We were stopped at a red light and he walked across the street and saw me. He didn't speak just stared. From that I also learned that when they say give me another chance, it means give me another chance to fuck you over. Leopards spots don't change and neither do people's.If they will hit you once they will do it again. I decided that night on the floor of my rented kitchen that I was not going to be anyone's victim. I would rather live under a bridge than let someone abuse me and all the while say they love me. Bullshit!

Whatever Wednesday-Elvis Edition

2006-05-31T10:05:00.000-05:00

Okay now who doesn't think this is a fine specimen of a man? I don't care about what he did or looked like when he died, I mean right here. These photos show how beautiful he was and then to think he had that amazing voice. This is your American Idol. Forever!!!

Yeah she's back!!

2006-05-29T21:20:00.000-05:00

Turns out Sherry was not in mortal danger and was just not "connected". Good news.
I went to a great party yesterday at Jana's house. She has a pool in the backyard and everyone brought a side dish and meat to cook on the grill and we made fruity rum punch and some were vodka. Gail made these chocolate mousse cups some with liquor and some not. They were delicious.We all got toasty and swam then danced and laughed and twisted off big time. I laughed so hard sometimes I couldn't breathe. All the clits were there and then some other wild and crazy friends as well. No children were hurt in the making of this party. By the end of the night they were all accounted for and not in the least waterlogged...much. My secret pal sent me some cookies last week and I have yet to post a picture of them. I will tomorrow I promise. I still don't know who she is and I thought for sure I would find out by now. "nuff for now, Good night and sweet dreams.

Weekend Slow Down

2006-05-27T19:40:00.000-05:00

I went to get a pedicure today with Gail. We sat in massage chairs and had our feet soaked,rubbed, scrubbed,painted and polished.It felt great and I will be sure to have this done at least every 3 weeks. Still no word from Alabama??? I am slugging on the couch tonight because I woke up too early (9:30am) and ran around all day. My cousin Linda brought spaghetti by the house. Said she had made way too much. Yummy!!

Missing in Bloggerland

2006-05-26T02:49:00.000-05:00

Sherry baby, Sherry baby,Sherry won't you come out tonight? I miss you! Bloggerland is not the same without you!!WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, seriously, has anyone heard from this wild woman?? It's like been over a week and that is soooo not like her!! Sending a big cyberspace shout out to my girl SHERRY!!! I have nothing more to say!

Whatever Wednesday (Oh My)

2006-05-24T08:53:00.000-05:00

This week I give you a hottie from down under. If all the guys in Australia are this hot and I hear the ratio of men to women is like 10:1, then sign me up for the next flight out!
What a nice smile!
Hubba Hubba baby!
My favorite picture of course! I love a man with a dog!!

Dog Day Afternoon

2006-05-23T09:38:00.000-05:00

Yeah!! The court ruled in favor of the dogs! I am so happy! There were mostly doxies but there was also a lot of chihuahuas and some boxers. One of which was pregnant and malnourished with lo calcium and glucose. I think one of the pups died. If anyone is interested in adopting any of these beautiful animals just go to the website These people are just the nicest you would ever want to meet. I have offered to be a volunteer. How could anybody be mean to such sweet animals who only want to please you and love you? I don't get it. Makes me misanthropic for sure.

Still Upset about the puppies

2006-05-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

I wrote this letter to the newspaper of the town where the over 100 dogs were found and taken by the humane society.

This is an open letter to the sheriff of your county. I have read and seen the footage of the woman's property and house where she greedily and inhumanely bred and kept poor innocent dogs. How could you say after going out there that you saw nothing wrong out there.Are you blind, cruel yourself or just plain stupid? When asked if you would shut her down you were reluctant because that was her livelihood. Well, sir, beings as you are so liberal in the way you let people under your jurisdiction live then I am going to talk to the mayor here in Austin and see if we can't send you some drug dealers and prostitutes up there. I mean hey every body's gotta make a living, right? I can't help but think that the reason Commanche does not forbid this sort of thing is because someone is making a little payback too. The whole thing stinks and everyone involved should be ashamed. As for the woman who ran this horrible place, may I suggest you all shut her up in a small poorly ventilated box outdoors in no shade with lots of newspaper on the floor for her to "do her business''. Give her filthy water whenever you think about it and maybe some nasty old fly ridden dog food. the really cheap stuff. I don't think she should be harmed just left alone with no way out and no one to have pity on her.Shame on you all!!!

Cowgirl Akasha

2006-05-20T06:43:00.000-05:00

These are some pictures of her new outfit.She was not too sure about all the garb,but how cute is she??? Just wanted to share these with you all. I am off to garage sales. Like my friend Beady says"I'm outta here!"

Friday Thoughts

2006-05-19T13:43:00.000-05:00

I have been reading about a "woman" in Commanche Texas who had a puppy mill in her yard. She was selling puppies out of her car in a parking lot. I guess that is not illegal in Commanche. She had over 100 dogs living in deplorable conditions. Mostly weenie dogs but a few boxers and chihuahuas too. The web site is at the bottom of this post,go there to see what I mean. I ended up giving them a donation and filling out an adoption form. How can people be so cruel to someone or thing, if you will, that only wants to give you unconditional love. I would so love to take this female; I can't even bring myself to call her a woman, and bury her in a coffin- like box lined in newspapers with a bowl of filthy water and fly ridden nasty ass dog food and just leave her there forever! You know I cried all over the place looking at this website and Lewis comes into my office,takes one look at me and says"oh hell, you're looking at that website again aren't you?" LOL He knows me so well. He tells me I am going to spend all my house money on donations to animal shelters! So, I can always make more money, honey! atdr.org

Happy Birthday Nancy Painter

2006-05-18T08:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Nancy,
Today is your birthday. I remember last year that you had a dinner at Carraba's with the people from your work. I ran in late as usual with a card and a present. The present is still sitting in the bag in my hall closet. I got it from your house the day I went over to pick out your clothes. I went by your house the other day. It looks like someone is living there and it looks like they have children. I know that would make you happy.Val says the dogs are all doing good. She thinks Stinky wishes he could be a therapy dog again. She says she wants to learn how to do it and take him to Children's hospital again. I could never do that. Remember how you would laugh at me when I saw little kids that were sick. I can't help it. It is sad and my momma always did say my bladder sits under my eyeballs.I went to the dog pound the other day because someone told me there had been a bunch of weiner puppies taken there. I cried so much I filled up 3 tissues with snot and tears. The young man that helped me was so nice. I ended up writing a check and throwing it at him for a donation and then running out blubbering all the way. You would have been laughing and crying with me. I miss you each and every day. I wake up every morning and you are still gone. I want so many times to call you up and just start yakking about nothing and everything all at once.It has been the hardest thing I have ever done-losing you. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that you aren't here.Today is especially hard. I want to go to San Antonio and place some flowers on your grave. Some big old fancy colorful ones to shake up your refined neighbors! Annie B., Rankin, and I are going to have dinner at PF Changs, your favorite place, in honor of your birthday. People say that it will get better and some days I can almost believe them and then I think, but, you don't understand,it's Nancy Painter not just anybody, it is her-She's gone... how can the world not feel that emptiness, the void that you left. I remember the time that we got thrown in jail on my 25th birthday and we sat there singing Bruce Springsteen songs till we got bailed out and then went right back out to get another drink!I miss your silly sayings like fax pax or the way you would call my answering machine and burp. I miss our lunches that would turn into all day affairs where we would just wander the streets downtown and find little spots you can never see in the car. I miss singing the Messiah to the top of our lungs and crying at the really pretty parts. I miss hearing you say in your best Groucho Marx voice ''this is all been wonderful but I must be going.''I miss going to the movies with you and laughing and crying so hard we have snot running down our noses when we come out. The Elephant man almost killed us both. I feel so cheated that you left so suddenly. We had plans dammit! I didn't even get to say goodbye. I didn't get to tell you one last time how much I love you. You are the only person in the world who has loved me unconditionally. I always knew that no matter what happened to me in this world I had Nancy Painter in my life and that was enough.My touchstone in this mean old world. You made me better person. I know this for a fact. You taught me not to take things so seriously. That life is fragile and evewryone is dear to someone. You taught me that giving really is better than recieving.You taught me how to stop and take notice of the world and people around me that were not as fortunate as me. You taught me that no one knows how many lives can be touched by one single act of kindness. You would think that after all this time ,I would be able to at least think of you and not cry ,but as I sit here writing this I am welling and spilling. You would say I'm a big stoogehead.This past year has been the hardest one yet for me and I hate to think what the future may hold. For all my blustery smart mouthed ways deep down I just ache every day for you. I have decided to try very very hard to stop being sad for the things I don't have and be happy for the things I do have. Easier said than done. I know that one day I will see you again. I hope fervently that by the time I see you, you will have found the back door and like we did at the Springsteen concert you will sneak me into heaven with you. I like to think that your new job in heaven is to greet all the animals at the gate and give them all the love they desrve. Kind of like an assistant to St. Francis or St. Peter. And I think I want to help too! One day my friend, we will be together again and until we are, do me a favor and watch over me and ''the girls''. I love you with all my heart. LOVE NEVER DIES!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-05-17T11:17:00.000-05:00

I have nothing to add to this

Tough Tuesday

2006-05-16T11:42:00.000-05:00

Well, this morning lewis told us he wants to go back out in the field. He misses patient care and he is so stressed in the job he has in the office. He is the scheduler and it is a rough job to have. Always having to make everybody happy and working magic as he calls it. I know he spends a lot of time before and after hours working on the schedule and it is always changing because people do. Akasha went to the vet this morning to be spayed. No puppies for her! The vet did call to say she did well and was waking up and was still groggy. Adrian wants to go get her and bring her up here for us to observe rather than leaving her with the vet. I have asked for some time off to go and get things started on the remodel of the house. After shopping around I have decided to go with Lowe's. They can do the whole thing from removing the old cabinetry to clean up installing the cabinets,counter tops, back splash and the sink with the ever important dishwasher. I have never had a dishwasher. My 2 hands are my dishwasher.

I'm Baaaaaccccckkkk!!!!

2006-05-15T18:51:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back from my trip to Dallas and I had a great time. I went with my Aunt Nancy and we stayed with Tammie, her daughter. We went shopping all day. I bought a lot of clothes, purses,and jewelry. I love shopping!!! This sweet little girl is my cousin Tammie's grand daughter. She is 5 yrs old and as sweet as she looks. She lives with Tammie and her husband.
This is Tammie. She is a grandmother! Yeh, 4 grandbabies. The newest one is 6 days old. All girls! She is the epitome of a Dallas girl. Always dressed to the nines with everything matching and hair and makeup to put any stylist in town to shame. In Dallas you don't even go to the 7-11 without looking your best. Anything else would be unacceptable! Texas girls don't just wake up pretty ya know. It takes work and talent people. I drive her crazy with my bohemian ways. LOL
This is Hannah. She is Tammie's grand baby too. She is always happy and laughing. She is adorable even with teething slobber!
Ha HA Here is Akasha in her new dress I got off E-bay. She is petting the Bosslady. Who by the way, did I tell you all she didn't have a heart attack? Thank you lord.
How cute is this dress???
The collar is new too. It is holographic and has a rhinestone studded clasp! Very posh!

Weekend's Coming

2006-05-12T23:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah!!! It is finally here. I had a bugger of a week at the "W". But, I am off to the Big "D" early thirty. My Aunt Nancy and I are going up to see her daughter,my cousin, and go shopping!!! I will be back in time for Desparate Housewives though LOL I thought I would share some pictures of Akasha in her new dress but blogger is retarded! I will post them when I get back.I hope everyone has a wonderful and lovely weekend. :)

American Idol Suxs

2006-05-11T08:43:00.000-05:00

I am so bummed out! I was almost crying last night when Chris was voted out. Me thinks there is a rat in the house. Simon could not even look at him! No way America!!! That ain't right! I have nothing else to say. All I know is nobody better not poke me through the fence today. I already got my hair up and I got new shoes on so they can come off, no problem!!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-05-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

I know I know but hello is this not a beautiful man?? I saw him on the big screen in Troy. There is one shot where he is laying in bed naked and he stands up and you see his ass!!!OMG!! I was shouting at the screen in the theater " Turn around Brad". He is by far a double bibber panty liner!!!!! Can you say labia fibrillation??

Ughhhhh... Monday

2006-05-08T12:57:00.000-05:00

I am not sure why but Monday is always the longest day at work. it is not like I am not busy. I am but I choose not to work. I got a new fax/printer/copy machine while I was in the field last Friday hooked up to my work computer. I had it for maybe 1 hr this morning and one of the field nurses broke it. WTF!!! Leave my stuff alone. It took an act of congress almost just to get the stupid thing and she broke it in aboput 5 mins. so want to be anywhere but here. My boss is going to take another less stressful job. She will be doing the same thing I do. Our office is expanding and we need another me. I just hope that if the census drops I won't be the one bumped if we have to thin out office people. Oh well, it will be nice to have some company in this big office but I do enjoy my privacy too. HE HE never happy huh?

10 Weird Things About Me

2006-05-04T17:29:00.000-05:00

1)I hate to eat off of plates that have a design on the part where your food touches.
it just feels strange to me.
2) I hate when someone eats off my plate.
3) If a cat runs out in front of my path and I am in the car, I make an x in the upper left hand corner of the windshield with spit and my thumb.
4)If you sat me down in front of the TV and showed me something I watched last week, chances are I won't remember it, but, if you told me something at work 20 yrs. ago, I remember it.
5)When I take a shower, I make sure all the windows and doors are locked, the dogs are in the house and one of them is guarding the bathroom door. (I saw Psycho)
6)I hate Volvos. I don't really know why but the sight of a volvo in front of me on the road pisses me off.
7) I like to feed carrots to the rabbits that live in the field behind what used to be the airport. (there are a bunch,no pun intended)
8)I see people's auras. Not in color but they can be bright or dull or not at all. The ones that are not at all are people I try to avoid. Children's auras are so bright sometimes they make me bust out smiling.
9)I make up songs about my dogs and then sing them to the poor things.
10)I still believe in Santa Claus

I am Free

2006-05-04T12:18:00.000-05:00

I had 2 nurses call in today so I am off to work in the field. No, not the cotton field, I mean the streets. I get to do some home visits. I love that. It will be a nice change from being in the office and tied to the computer. Gotta run. Love to all.

The Letter L

2006-05-03T10:55:00.000-05:00

Ok this is from Sherry's blog. Ten words that begin with the letter l
1)Lazy- I am so lazy. I put off any and everything until it is in my face. I am all about deadlines and shoving right up against them. Don't give me 4 weeks to work on something. Just tell me the night before because as much as I will complain that it is last minute, I wouldn't have started it any sooner.
2)Lunar Drive- the street I live on. It is a long curvy street through the neighborhood. I have a lot of young neighbors with kids and lots of people walk or bike by my house every day. I know my neighbors and love the neighborhood. We all watch out for one another and in this day and age that is rare.
3)Lost- One of my favorite shows on TV right now. Today is the day it comes on and if you aren't watching then you are missing out. Not only are the men all hunky but it is also a cliff hanger every week.
4)Led Zepplin-One of the all time greatest band in the world. There is a radio station here in town that plays 30 minutes of LZ every evening. It is called "Get the Led out" the best song to do it to is Kashmir. The beat is a nice slow one and it is about 8 mins. long.
5)Lewis-I love this guy with all my heart. I was almost crazy with grief when I thought we would lose him. He is doing great. Thank you God. He is still doing his chemo but hopefully not for much longer.He is still in love with Adrian and they had their 1 yr. anniversary and exchanged rings last weekend. He is happy and that is enough for now.
5)Lois- one of the clits. She is a wild and crazy girl. She has had a bumpy life but she is still hanging in there and the stories she can tell you are, to say the least, interesting. She is talented and sweet and we all love her.
6)Lawn- my neighbor mowed mine yesterday. He said he had a full tank of gas and he knew it was going to rain and that is the best time to cut the grass. Very nice. See, I told ya I got great neighbors.
7)Lockhart,Texas- Home of the best BBQ in the world. Yes, I said it and I mean it. Kreuz' Market makes the best BBQ ever. They have pork chops and prime rib. People come from all around just for the sausage. I am partial to the brisket and ham myself although a cut off the end of the chop is like a slice of heaven. No BBQ sauce they smoke it and have nothing to hide. Come see me sometime and I promise a trip to Lockhart will be on the agenda.It is one of those places where if you got killed on the way home it would be OK cuz you just ate the best meal of your life!Go out with a bang!
8)Laughter- The best sound in the world. I love to hear children laugh. I have 3 little girls living next door to me. 6,5, and 3. They are so cute and call me Miss Mary. They go to Catholic school and look so sweet in their little uniforms. I keep presents at the house for when they visit. Relax, it's all from the dollar store. One thing I have found with kids is it is all about quantity not quality when they are little. So easy to please. I also have a hoot with the NCC girls. Talk about laughing. Jana has to carry a spare pair of underwear in her bag. Hey, that rhymed and made me laugh.This is fun Sherry!
9)Little Mexico- A little restaurant on the Mexican mile on south first street. They make great migas and the salsa is good too. Also , home made tortillas. No matter that no one who serves you can speak English just point and order!!!
10)Love- Now that is a hard one huh? I love my dogs and cat. I love my job and the town I live in and I love my blogger friends.Now, like Queen says I want somebody to love !! I am lucky though to have so many friends that love me and care about me. Not everyone is that lucky. The NCC girls are a rock when you need them. It is like a pheromone thing where if one of us needs something the others just show up. I mean how many people do you know that would come to your house and help you purge it of your ex? Oh and one last thing, I love Dove ice cream in the pint. Especially Butter Pecan. Yummy!!! Now that is something I won't procrastinate about getting!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-05-03T09:34:00.000-05:00

I love John Cusak always have ever since the 80's. He is sexy in a melancholy way. He always seems so sad and lost.

What Did I Tell Ya About Tuesday

2006-05-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

Today my boss tells me she has had a heart attack! She had chest pain last week when she was out sick all week. She attributed it to her chest cold. She had an EKG done when she saw her Dr last week and she called her this morning to tell her the news. She was so freaked out. I felt so bad for her. She has an appt. tomorrow for a stress test. Talk about work killing you which I would take a little lighter than this but remember my very best friend in the world died last July of a brain hemorrhage. She had high blood pressure and so does the bosslady. She is such a nice person and the best boss ever.And between the murder of her dogs and this place around here she is stressed to the max. I tell ya I get bad news on Tuesday.

Dog Day All Day Long The Weenie Parade!

2006-04-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

Let the parade begin. Note Akasha in the right bottom of the picture.
Akasha was so proud to be in the parade.
Dance hall weenie
Now that is a lot of weenies!
Butterfly
Dapper Doggie!
caterpillar weenie. Her mom was a butterfly.
Blushing Bride
My good friend Connie(fellow clit) and her son Casey Wade with Scooter.
Scooter
Matching outfits
Teen Ween!
Cheerleader weenies
Senor Weiner!
Moma don't let your weenies grow up to be cowboys! This guy was a bully and tried to bite Akasha. She was freaked out by him for a little while and I was afraid she would not enjoy herself but she got over it!
John Deere Tractor weenie check out the Ken doll with a hard hat driving.
Live to ride ,ride to live. Biker Weenie
Mommie made my costume!
Southern Belle meets Cowgirl
Bride weenie in a weenie wheelchair. She broke her back. This is not uncommon among these little guys.
Akasha in her little crochet sundress!
You didn't have to be a weiner dog to be in the parade. Here is Miss Princess Pug!
Surf's up!
Elvis!
Fisherman Weenie dog He had a tiny little fishing pole and fish hanging of his vest and a fishing hat with lures in it. CUTE!!!
Baseball player

Ouwhh Shiny dress
I just loved the markings on this dog!
Hula Weenie She would actually stand on her back 2 legs and dance!
Mod wiener dog
Mermaid
Sauage wrap His owner had a sign that said Sausage Wraps $1.00
This little guy was singing when I took this shot.
This is Akasha after her BIG DAY. We were both pooped!!

Weiner Wars 2006

2006-04-30T11:56:00.000-05:00

This is Darth Vader and Queen Amidalla. I later saw 2 jedi weiner dogs,Luke ground runner and Dewy Lo Walker. I thought I had pictures of them but Jedi Weiner dogs are fast and I only got the ground on which they stood.
Everyone lining up for the big race!
Once they loaded the weiner dogs in the gate the handlers would come around and get in front of the dog and try to get their attention so they would know where to run.
And they are off. This is how they looked coming out of the gate.
As you can see not all weiners would run the race straight out. There was a lot going on to be fair.
This is Akasha's race. She is the third weiner on the left. If you look close she has on the green kerchief. She came in 3rd in her heat. She was the littlest one running in it. I was very proud of her.

I have a lot more pictures of the festival and the weiner parade but blogger is not letting me put them on right now. I will try back later but these will do for now.

I love Fridays

2006-04-28T11:22:00.000-05:00

I am hosting a clit get together tonight at my house. I found some more of the Rat Bastards stuff and we will burn it in the fire pit.MMMHHHAAAAAAA!!! The races are tomorrow and the weenie is in race # 44. There are a lot of weenies racing I was looking at the names of some of the weenies. One is named Dr.Dre. LOL. This is so going to rule. It is supposed to rain and storm overnight and into the early morning hours.It is so humid here now that when I stepped outdoors this morning my hair frizzed so bad I looked like Roseann Roseanna Danna.I will be sure to take lots of pictures and post them for all to see unless you think that would be boring!! Nah, I don't care !!LOL

Whatever Wednesday

2006-04-26T19:02:00.000-05:00

I so love this guy. He is the lead singer for Bush for those of you who don't know him. I saw him at a CD signing once and I petted him. Well, as much as one can in a room full of women and him. Then, my friend Jana and I went to see them once at The Austin Music Hall. Of course, we were up front. There were a lot of people there and when they came out the crowd shoved in even closer. We were on the front rail and there was a big dude and his little tiny girlfriend standing next to us. We took to calling him Injun Joe. Anyway, at one point I swear my feet were not on the floor and I was standing straight up.We were both of us holding onto Injun Joe. He never moved. Like a monolith. I said to Jana in the beginning that it was too crowded and hot and I was going to go back and find a place to cool off. Then he took his shirt off and well like I said my feet were not even on the ground. Hell no, half naked Gavin and good music... God, I love this town.

Tuesday again??

2006-04-25T16:39:00.000-05:00

I was having a very good Tuesday when out of the blue here comes an e-mail from who else The Rat bastard. He wants to know how I am. He hasn't heard from me in about a month and wanted to know if I was Ok. And to tell me he misses me and the dogs and to ask if I am watching AI and to tell me he likes Chris and Taylor and Katharine. Well now then, that took the wind out of my sails. I wanted to e-mail him back and say I woke up and Nancy is still dead and you are still gone. My mom and I aren't talking and my brother is dying but other than that I am F.I.N.E. fine. Like the Aerosmith. Fucked up, insecure,neurotic, and exhausted. Can't remember what the E stands for but in my case it is exhausted. Just when I thought it was safe to go out on Tuesdays.

Weiner dog races

2006-04-24T19:21:00.000-05:00

by abfaul6

Ok here is the deal, there is a weiner dog race this weekend in Buda right outside of Austin. They have a parade and a best dressed dog contest, and then a race. How fucking cute is that? I want to go with the little weiner dog and the boys. I have to tell them. I have to go so I can take lots of pictures. Sonya,Liz ya'll come on down and go with me. It is not that far girls. For real! A weenie race !!If you click on the picture above it will take you to a site with a lot of weiner dog race and festival pictures. It looks like a gas because any of you who have a weenie dog know good and well a weenie will not come when you call them especially not in a straight line. It is not that they are dumb. On the contrary,they think to themselves no, I think I have a better way of doing that, thank you very much!

Collective Soul

2006-04-23T11:56:00.000-05:00

I love this band so much. They played outdoors at this place called The Glenn. A little amphitheater with a gently sloping hillside so that no one has a bad view. They played for about 2 hrs. I shook my booty the whole time. They had a full bar so Jan and I were drinking big glasses of 7&7. They were doubles. Just right too. The night was perfect. Not too hot and there was a nice cool breeze. Jana, Kelly, Kaylee and a friend of hers were all down front within petting distance. Kaylee got guitar picks. I optioned to sit on the lawn. It was great. I have a new favorite place for concerts now. James Blount is playing out there next month. Kale got her Mom a ticket foe Mother's Day. I love him but I don't know if I can go. He is raw with emotion and especially when you see him on concert and it seems to me that all his songs are too relatable at this point in my life. Wow!What a run on sentence. I gotta go now and try to make my house look presentable to people and not pigs!! Love you all.

Saturday Night Out

2006-04-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

One of the reasons I live in Austin is the live music scene. I have lived in many different places and they were all nice in their own way but Austin is unique. Tonight under the stars I get to hear and see Collective Soul. I love them. I have all the albums and I think they get better with every album. Plus they are all way fine to look at. The first time I saw them was At Liberty Lunch and there was maybe 150 people there. It was incredibly hot and the band was sweaty and had all this long hair. The sound went out at one point and they were getting all pissed. But, man can they play. One of my five favorite all time bands. The weenie woke me up this morning at 6:45 am. Damn. Usually the gay boys have her on the weekends but they are out of town. They went to San Antonio for Fiesta.Today is a beautiful day and I have to go do chores fast so I can get out there in it. Hopefully, I can take my camera in tonight. If so, I will post pictures!

In My Life

2006-04-20T08:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry if this is a little long but it is first and foremost the place I have to purge all the bad stuff from my mind. I don't mind if you read this but it is very personal and a very raw part of my life. I am not writing this to get your sympathy or approval I just need to get it out. So, bear with me.
I was born in 1957 to a single mom. My mom met my dad and 3 months later she was pregnant. He was married to someone else. My mom lived in Fort Worth working in a hospital. She had just gotten out of nursing school. I went to live with my grandparents. When I was 3 my mom married her husband Earl Wayne. He was a new policeman on the force and they met in the ER of the hospital where she worked. We all went on the honeymoon with his sister and her family my new cousins.Then we moved into our own house. I missed my grandmother who raised me and my aunt Theresa was in nursing school at the time and she would take me back to my grandparents every weekend when she went home. Things were ok until my stepfather and my mom had their own baby when I was 4. He was under a lot of stress on the job and he would come home and if you spoke too loudly, made too much noise with your toys or just made your presence known he would take his belt off and whip me. That was in the beginning, he stopped using the belt and started using the black jack. For those of you who don't know what that is,it's a piece of metal covered by leather. It hurts too. I would get whippings for stuff like one time I was watching cartoons and you know when Porky Pig comes on at the end of a cartoon and says "That's all folks" well I knew there were more cartoons coming and I said liar. He asked me why I said that. I told him and he whipped me good. Once I asked the neighbor kid if she had had a BM that day? I mean, hey I am 4 my mom asks me that every day so what the hey, huh? He heard it and whipped me good for that too. Not swats but good beatings with his equipment. I used to run and get the belt and beg him to use that. Remember, I am 4-5 yrs. old.By the time I was almost 6 my other sister was born. By this time we had moved to a bigger house and my stepfather's mother had moved in with us. She hated my mom for taking her baby away from her and she really hated me because I lived and breathed I guess. She would say things and stir things up to make it even harder for me to be there. I remember once when I was playing outside I came in and let the screen door slam. He was sleeping and working the night shift and it woke him up. He got up and came in the bedroom where I was playing. He grabbed my wooden baby doll bed and smashed it over my back and neck telling me to never let the screen door slam again. His mother would gloat every time she got me in trouble and she would tell me that was what happened to bad little girls and I was born bad and would die bad. When I was 7 I went to live with my grandparents for good after my aunt took me back home with her one weekend and discovered I had bad round bruises all over my legs ,butt, and back from where he had beat me with a stilleto heeled shoe for making too much noise. It's funny how much you forget and how much you remember as a child. I remember every whipping I ever got from him. Funny thing is I remember the Christmas when I was 4 and it was a good Christmas. That is the only good memory I have of being with them. After I went to live with my grandparents life was pretty normal except that every holiday and for summer or spring break I would have to back and spend time with my "family". You know how all kids look forward to school breaks? Not me! I was so anxious about being there it was unreal. I would cry for days before I had to go. I would beg my grandparents to let me stay home. He never hit me again but he was great at putting you down for anything,breathing too loud, being in the way of TV,walking,living. When I started to high school I rebelled by getting high. If I had to go to my mom's house I would get so high I wouldn't come down till I got back home. Finally, by the time I was 14 I was allowed to stay home for the holidays. This was even more fun because all my aunts and uncles would come to the grandparents house with all their kids and everyone would be envious of me because I was the favorite grandkid. I got to stay at the place they all wanted to live at. Oh yeah, I heard the taunts too. Like if I misbehaved I got from my uncles and aunts how lucky I was that I even had a place to live, why my own mother didn't even want me. Yeh, it was no wonder I stayed high throughout my life in Paris Tx. Not too long ago, one of my cousins told me she was always jealous of me for living with the grandparents and getting to be an only child. I told her I was always envious of her for having a mom and dad and lots of brothers and sisters. Funny how everyone else's life looks better than your own huh?When I got out of high school I went right into nursing school. Why?? Well, my mom is a nurse think maybe I was trying to get her approval? When I graduated from high school she couldn't be there because my little sister was graduating from 8th grade and she had to be there for that. When I graduated from nursing school she had come up for the big day. I was already out of the house and she was dressing in my old bedroom at my grandparents house. She went snooping through an old desk and found a film cannister with a little pot in it. When I had walked across the stage and got my degree I walked over to my family and she looked at me threw the cannister at me and told how very disappointed in me she was. That had probably been in there for years. I didn't even live there anymore. I moved to Austin in the late 70's and got a job at a hospital doing trauma. I met a man who I fell deeply in love with and my sister at the time had a new baby. I called my mom to tell her I was coming to her house in Ft. Worth to see the baby and I wanted her to meet this man I was so in love with. She called me back and said dad said I couldn't come to their house with some man they did not know. I was so hurt by this that I didn't go back to visit for 4 or so years. I started travelling as a nurse in the early 80's going all over the USA working in trauma units and ICU all over the country. I was well respected for my knowledge and expertise in the nursing community. I was good at what I did and was loved by my co-workers. In short, I did everything I could to make her proud of me. One year I came back to the mainland while I was living in Hawaii. I flew into DFW and my mom picked me up. We went back to her house and I was greeted as the prodigal daughter home at last. She was so friendly and loving so was my stepfather. Later that afternoon a friend of mine came by to pick me up and take me to his house. My mom was shocked somehow, she expected me to stay there. Why I don't know I hadn't stayed there since I was like 14. I left and spent Christmas at home in Paris with my grandmother and 2 aunts. My grandfather had died some years back. In 1989 my grandmother was sick and dying. I moved back to Texas to be closer to her and she died that same year. My mother told me when my grandmother died that she felt she might be able to establish a relationship with me now that I didn't have my grandmother. I told her I was willing to try to have a mother daughter relationship with her that I had even dreamed of this for a long time. I would go home to Ft Worth for the holidays and I tried to be a good daughter. My brother at the time was strung out on Cocaine. He lived with my mom, a nurse and stepfather a cop and they were too blind to see his addiction. He stayed gone the whole of Christmas and then came in the day after at 5am, woke my mom up and told her to call him off sick. She got up and did it. I got up and lit into him telling him to get his shit together. I told him the coke would kill him and that mom had cried all Christmas day because she was worried about him(she did) I told him if he wanted to ruin his life or kill himself he needed to get out and do it where they didn't have to watch. He replied with well you are a pothead I told him yeh I smoke pot but I have never been on a 4 day pot smoking bender or had to call off work becaue I smoked too much pot the night before. I told him it weasn't about me it was about him and his behavior. He got way mad and told mom that he would just leave and go sleep on the street. My mom told me to shut up and get out of her house. She kicked me out. A month later my brother called me to apologize and tell me he was off the coke because I had pulled his head out of his ass and showed him the truth. He said no one had ever talked to him like that and it made him realize he needed to change his life. He never did drugs after that. Unfortunately he developed his alcoholism at the same time.My mom and I continued to have an estranged relationship for many years after that until my uncle Day died. By that time I was living with the RB and she of course didn't approve of that. He was too young and we weren't married and he blah blah blah bottom line anyone who would wnat me is not worth a damn is the way I see and saw it. By then though her brothers started to drop like flies all from cancer. They all smoked and drank and died young in thier 60's and now it is down to my mom and her baby sister. I have in the last 5 yrs or so made an effort with my sister Anna to develop a sister to sister relationship and it has been wonderful. I love her so much and had no idea who precious a sister can be, never really having one all my life. We have so much fun together and we talk every day. She never passes judgement and is always on myside no matter what. I am the same way with her. it is a special bond I am proud of. A couple of years ago I started going to my sister's house for the holidays. We go to my mom's house for a few hours and have superficial pleasant conversation and leave. She is just as uncomfortable around them as I am but for very different reasons. Hell, she was raised by them. Although she tells me he never raised a hand to any of his own kids. Mom would never let him. My sister has a daughter that is worthless ,really I mean she is 23 yrs old and doen't work. She runs around with white trash gangster people and does speed. My sister, her mom has decided that she can no longer enable her to be a lump and drain on society so she refuses to help her anymore. I mean she would not let her starve but you get the picture. My nephew my other sister's kid is a schizophrenic brought on by years of gas huffing, and other various idiot drugs now he is up to heroin. Nice guy. He gets belligerent and out of control.He used to live with my mom but he scared my stepfather one night so now she pays rent on a flop house for him and his friends to get high basically.You know my sister and I gave my mom a big surprise birthday party for her 70th birthday last year. You know what she said to me when I asked her at Thanksgiving how she liked her party she said it was nice. She told my other 2 sisters how proud she was of them and how nice it was for them to do all that for her.My one sister brought a birthday cake. My sister Anna and I footed the whole bill.But, you know ,by this time I am so used to being the stepchild. Now, my brother is sick and dying and I spoke with my mother this week. I tried to call her on her cell phone but got some girl who said she was a friend of my loser niece and that she had given this phone to her to use. I got hold of my mom and during the course of the conversation I told her that the phone she was paying for was now being used by someone she doesn't even know. She told me she would have it turned off because they had told her it was lost and they were looking for it. I told her I wanted to send my brother some money since for once I have some and he needs it. He has no insurance and is putting everything on a credit card. He and I have been at odds for a few years now because of harsh words said between the 2 of us regarding his alcoholism. We haven't spoken in about 3 yrs. I told my mom I wanted to transfer money from my account into her account and then she could give him the money without him knowing it was from me. I want him to talk to me on his terms not because he feels obligated. She agreed and said she would call me when I got home with the account information. When I got home she had left a message for me that she had talked to my stepfather and they would feel better not giving me the account number and that I should just send the check via mail. I am not going to send a live $1000 check in the mail. I didn't call her back that night. I was tired and confused. The next day, yesterday I kept thinking about my niece scamming my mom like that and I called her to say that she needed to get off her ass and quit mooching off my mom. I told her she had her own mother to torture and my mom had enough to worry about without having to support her lazy ass. This of course was not taken well by my niece who hung up opn me and called my mom who called me to tell me to saty out of it and to shut up. It was none of my business. I told her I was only trying to look out for her. It pissed me off that they both are always fucking her over. She again told me to stay out of it because it was none of my business. I said you know what, you are so right. It is none of my business. It is FAMILY business and I get it ok. I am not a part of your family. For the last 42 yrs I have done nothing but try to prove to you how worthy I am of your love. And you know what, you keep pushing me away. You have never loved me or wanted me. I know this. I have always known this but, I just keep trying to make you see me,love me, want me. After all this time I get it. You don't want me. I am nothing to you but a reminder of a bad time in your life. I am 49 yrs old and I am tired of trying to get you to love me. Hell, I even gave up a long time ago on a mother daughter relationship and asked you a few yrs back if we couldn't just become friends spend some one on one time maybe a few times a yr. But you said you would but you won't. You are too uncomfortable around me. Fine, but every time I get close to you,you push me away. You know what you say to me when I try to interact with your family? You say, get out of my house. You say,it is none of your business. You say, to shut up and keep out of it. I dissappoint you. I have tried all my life to get you to love me but I am tired now and I feel like a wrestler- I am tapping out. Hell, I spent $2000 alone last year trying to get you to love me. I will never ever be what you want me to be and you will never be the mother that I so desperatly need. The only thing I have ever learned from you is that I am unworthy of being loved. I am not worth your time and so now I get it. You don't want me. Four little words you should have said to me a long time ago but never had the guts. Well, guess what I know it already. I have always known it. You wouldn't even give me your bank account number. Why? Did you think I would steal from you? Hey, here's a news flash that would be the people you live with and raised. Not me. I have never done anything but try to earn your love and be your champion. But, no more- I am done with the whole thing. You get your life long wish. I am out. But I want you to know I forgive you for not loving me and for not wanting me. Not to make you feel better but for myself. I am doing it for me. So, I can finally heal from the years of hoping and wishing and waiting for you to love me. I have to do that for me so I can have a good life. So I can live up to my own potential without having to try for your approval. I don't need it anymore. I guess I never did. Then I hung up. She did try to call me bakc but I didn't answer and she didn't leave a message. Nothing to say.

Whatever Wednesday

2006-04-19T11:44:00.000-05:00

This is my pick of the week. Jon Stewart has long been a favorite of mine. I have had a crush on him since he was on MTV.I think he is sexy and funny. His wit is what I have always been attracted to. So, he is my hunk for Wednesday and I am unanimous in that

Dating

2006-04-18T12:40:00.000-05:00

I had an appt. to go talk to someone here in town to do a profile on myself. I chickened out. How can anyone know me by looking at a picture of me or reading about me? You have to get to know me right? So,I was looking on Craig's list for a BBQ pit and stumbled across the personals and I answered a few of them. Hope none of them are out on probation!

Fucking Tuesdays

2006-04-18T09:46:00.000-05:00

I got to work early this morning to get some work done before the phones start ringing only to find the computers are down. Damn. Then my sister called to tell me my baby brother is sick. He was having some back pain for a while and thought he had strained his back. When he couldn't take the pain any longer he went to the ER and they worked him up. They did a CT scan that showed cirrhosis of the liver which we all knew he has a drinking problem and has for quite some time. He also has an enlarged spleen and a mass in his liver that has ruptured and is bleeding. He sees a surg. today. For those of you out there thinking this sounds bad let me assure you it is.It is very bad news. The mortality rate is very high. The worst thing is that he and I haven't spoken in 2 1/2 yrs. We got into it a while back and just quit talking to one another. I have been in touch with my 2 sisters and Angela is beside herself and can't quit crying. Anna is more stoic and she is saying she can't even talk to Angela without her crying. She wants us to tell her it will be allright but it won't be alright. I vote to remove Tuesday from the calendar folks. SHIT,FUCK,DAMN!!

Easter Weenie

2006-04-17T21:04:00.000-05:00

You know that Elton John song -Little Jeannie Well, I sing it to the puppy only I put in Little weenie for Little Jeannie. It is corny I know but that's how I roll!
I so LOVE the little weenie dog!!
sweet little weenie
Isn't she CUTE??
Adrain and Akasha
Lewis and Akasha loving on each other

Friday Night Humps Part 2

2006-04-17T20:44:00.000-05:00

Jan
Jana
Gail trying to loosen up a little bit.
Jana and Lois
Loyd Dale
Jan and her man Steve

As you can see we had a great time. I got so drunk I was dizzy and weak all day Saturday. I am such a light weight when it comes to drinking. But it is fun!!

Friday night Humps-Part 1

2006-04-17T18:54:00.000-05:00

Jana and Lois
Jana and Kaylee
Connie and Gail
Jan, our hostess with the mostest
Kaylee ,our choreographer.

Well, true to form the clits all met up at jan's house for our dinner. She makde us burgers and gave us Crown Royal or vodka with coke or sprite. She knows how to get a party started. She also gave all of us bouquets of flowers in cute little vases. Oh, and a bandana too for everyone. The pictures are of all of the people in the dance routine minus Kelly who was having trauma at home and unable to join us.This was all the pictures blogger would let me put on for now so Part one is this post

My secret Pal strikes again

2006-04-17T18:39:00.000-05:00

this is a picture of the booty my secret pal sent me. The napkins say funny stuff.
the one with the lady reclining says American Idol and the other one says some see the glass as 1/2 empty some see it as 1/2 full I say shot it down and decide later.
I also got Almond Joy swoops like a pringle but with Almond Joy. It is the best thing I ever got!! DROOOOOOL. Also a nice little manicure set for my purse. I can use it actually in my nurse bag for use on my patients. Thanks YSP!

Good Friday

2006-04-14T10:01:00.000-05:00

Hello all, I hope everyone is having a good day. I got a package well, 2 from my secret pal yesterday. I asked my mailman to take off the return address or postage when he sees a package that says secret pal and he did this time too. I gotta get him a chocolate bunny! I got goodies... almond joy swoops OMG I love them. My secret pal asks if I get tired of almond joy stuff and the answer to that is NO WAY!!! I also got the cutest cocktail napkins ( I said cock) I took a picture and will try to post it this weekend. They are precious and Jan is giving a party tonight for all the "humps". I plan on using some of the napkins tonight. It will be fun. She sent us all invitations saying she was making chicken and salad. Right! In a blender maybe with tequila. How funny. I will make sure to take pictures of the party tonight and you will feel like you are there too. The weenie dog has a pink Easter dress on today. Adrian takes her to the nursing homes every Friday and one of the ladies made her a dress. I will post a picture of that too. She is adorable.Okay back to the "W" Happy Easter everyone I love you all!!

Whatever Wednesday

2006-04-12T10:47:00.000-05:00

HOT!!!! I love Lost and one of the reasons is all the hot guys on there. I just found out the other day that Matthew Fox was on one of those 90210 wanna be shows from the WB or something like that. WHATEVER!! Who goes home tonight on American Idol. Anybody but Chris or Taylor!!!

I Don't Want to...

2006-04-10T13:31:00.000-05:00

I got the don'ts today. I don't want to work. I didn't want to get up this morning. I don't want to go to the grocery store when I get off work this evening. I don't want to do anything. I got the don'ts and yes it is contagious.So, be careful you don't get the don'ts. I just want to go home and get in my little bed.

Mi Familia

2006-04-09T20:27:00.000-05:00

My Sweet Aunt Nancy with the newest member of the family Little Kenny
Chula with Jakey
Osa with Jakey
Today is the 1 yr. anniversary of the death of my cousin Knight.He was a beautiful person who always had a smile on his face. He was funny and witty and a sensitive sad man. He killed himself and it was a tragedy to all who loved him. My Auntie Nancy (the one who got pulled over by her earrings) told me last week that she wanted to be surrounded by her Austin family and asked me if I could make that happen. Today we all met at Zilker Park to celebrate Knight's life. My family is so awesome and lovely. We had BBQ with all the fixin's and ice cold beer and sodas. My cousins Paul and JB got out their guitars and we were pickin and grinnin after the big chow down. My cousin Lisa came from Houston with her kids. My cousin Tiger (Nancy's son ) and his wife came down too. They will take her back to big Paris Texas(my hometown) with them to stay till Easter. I took my dogs and they were as always perfect. They went swimming in Barton Creek. In the place where the big sign say no dogs off leash and no swimming. That's where everyone takes their dogs to swim.They were so good too with all the kids around that wanted to pet them and lay on them and chase them. They are both conked out now as they had a BIG DAY.I wanted to post more pictures but blogger is acting up. Nancy had a good time and she looks happy in this picture. She was happy sad. I think we all were. I love my family.

It's Official

2006-04-08T02:07:00.000-05:00

He don't live here anymore. I got a letter today in the mail from the post office to Marshall D. Luxton or current resident(that's me) and that is the Rat Bastard's name- remember it so when you watch on 48hrs a mystery and you hear his name, I didn't do it. Anyway, it was a change of address notification. So, finally I don't have to keep throwing his mail out. LOL I am okay, in fact, it is kind of liberating in a way. Maybe in my heart of hearts I wanted him back I don't think so but the letter gave me closure, like now it is done. So, just for the record Marshall Luxton is a lying,cheating piss infected cum bubble that broke my heart and left me for dead.He reached down my throat,pulled out my heart, cut it up in a million little pieces, put it in a frying pan, and then served it up to me. But, that was then. He killed that girl and I am what rose from the ashes of a dead relationship. A little ragged on the edges but otherwise oh so much better for the wear and tear. And the best part of all is no matter what happens now I am truly free.

4 Thing I...

2006-04-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by my friend Glenda

4 jobs I have had
I worked at Church's Chicken in high school.
Baled hay in the summer as a kid.
Worked at a homeless clinic downtown
Was a traveling nurse and worked for a company that sent me to trauma units all over the USA.

4 movies I could watch over and over
The Three Amigos
Friday
Pulp Fiction
O Brother Where art Thou?

4 web sites I visit regularly
E bay
Overheard in New York-The voice of the city
Atomfilm.com
The Smoking Gun

4 favorite foods
Chicken and dumplings
California rolls with spicy shrimp in them
Kung Pao shrimp with brown rice from Pei-Wei
Brisket from The Salt Lick (YUMMY)
Is 4 all I get- I was just getting started:)

4 places I would rather be right now
Australia
Spain-on the coast
Paris France
Las Vegas

4 most wonderful places I have been
Hawaii
San Francisco
Las Vegas
Schilterbahn-in New Braunfels -for real the best water park in the world!!!

4 books I could read over and over
Lonesome Dove-Larry McMurtry
On the Road Again-Jack Kerouac
Lord of the Rings- Trilogy-JRR Tolkien
To Kill a Mockingbird-Harper Lee

4 songs I could listen to over and over
Murder of One-Counting Crows
Smooth-Rob Thomas/Carlos Santana
My Pride and Joy-Stevie Ray Vaughn
Technicolor Lover-New Radicals

4 reason I blog
It is my version of therapy
Meet new and interesting people
Make new friends
Learn things you didn't know

4 people I tag
Keeks
Grant
Lori
Stringman

Friday night's alright for Fighting

2006-04-07T18:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, remember when last Friday I said I had such a bad day I wanted to go to a bar alone to drink. Well, the same bitch poked me with a stick again today. I asked her to please leave my office as the conversation had turned into her verbally throwing down on me. I got up and walked out of my own office to the break room where my boss and 2 other co-workers were sitting having lunch. She followed me in there continuing to poke me and I got up and told her we were like oil and water and let's just not say anything else to one another before it gets ugly and we say things we will both regret later. And I walked outside and bummed a cigarette off somebody and I don't even smoke cigarettes. I came back into my office and shut the door and commenced to get back to the grind when the bitch comes in my office shuts the door and continues on her rampage pokin' me with that damn stick again. The receptionist called my boss to let her know the bitch had come into my office. Bosslady and Adrian both came in there and tried to get her to calm down and shut the fuck up. And people she still was in my face. Remember I am in a professional setting so I have to maintain my composure but at that point Bosslady is pulling this girl to get her to leave I am saying get out just get out please and leave me alone. Finally, I stand up to put my hair up and Adrian seeing the look in my eyes says in a big daddy voice everyone just shut up now I am sick of it all shut up now and Amy(crazy girl) get out now!The receptionist at this point is under her desk, the weenie dog who was there clandestinely peed the floor and the bitch left in tears of course. I have no idea what the fuck her problem is except to think she just isn't a Friday girl. Yeh, so here's to another grand end to the week. Now, you know why I call it the "W" even I don't cuss like that. :) I know you all wanted to hear I jumped over my desk and throttled the bitch and in my mind I was doing just that. That must be why there is a sign on the outside of the building saying no guns allowed. I am off to drink a big ol' margarita. This bitch is gonna make an alcoholic outta me.

Whatever Wednesday

2006-04-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Wow I almost missed W.W. I have been very busy at the "W" OK who here thinks this guy is a hottie. I have loved him since "My so called Life" Gotta go get home and walk the dogs and get supper etc before AI comes on. Who is going home tonight

Got to Admit I'm Feeling Better

2006-04-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

Well, it is Tuesday and you know how I hate Tuesdays but I feel good today. It is funny because when you feel bad you know you feel bad but when you feel good it is a given or at least it used to be for me. My bosslady has a new puppy. Her name is Maggie and she is 4 month old chihuahua. She is tiny and white with a bit of very light tan in places. She is adorable and she snuck her in today. The weenie dog on the other hand is getting sassy and cuter every day. I have her all week this week. We have been doing walks after work with the big dogs. She has to be leashed and is not too happy but I am not sure she will ever be allowed to walk alone. This week I plan on working in the front yard and I will stake her out there with me and see how she does with all the distractions on the street. She is smart and a magnet for other women and gay men. Not what I was going for oh and little old ladies love her too. I was hoping for a hot dude. Not so much. I love having her at my house and I look forward to going home in the afternoons. I love it that it stays light longer. I have someone coming this week to clean my back yard which is a mess.The ex was a plant lover and had a lot of vines like passion vines,jasmine,ect. I have neglected them and don't care if they live or die. I really don't want them and he never planted them. They are all in pots and need to be planted. I should murder them and pretend it is him but on the other hand the butterflies love them and I love butterflies.But do I love butterflies more than I hate him?? Maybe!