Wednesday, August 23, 2006

My stomach Hurts

Well, I am back at work and the boss is in her office freezing me out. She has made it a point to go around to everyone with a big smile on her face to say good morning but not a word or glance to me. This is very stressful for me. I feel she is up to something but not sure what it is. This is the same boss I was praising a few months back. It is like a jekyll and hyde thing. I have seen her do this before to other employees. She had one girl in tears every morning on the way to work. How do I know? She would call me to vent before she ever got to the office. I am not gonna cry or cave in but I do internalize a lot of the anxiety she causes me. This in turn feeds into my negative thought process about myself that I am somehow not good enough or not working hard enough. I haven't had a day off in forever but she takes at least one day off a week. She has a lot of saved up time but hey, so do I. I think she wants to step down from her job and take my job but she can't do that as long as I am still here. I have tried to talk to the boss immediately over her and all I got was a reprimand saying I was insuboordinate. So, to try to get help from anyone else is impossible. She will just wield her power over the entire office and believe me when she sets a mood it carries through. I am glad to be here in the corner office and I try to stay out of harm's way but there is no telling what she will do today. I am also going to shut this site down as I think she is reading it and it keeps me from being too candid. Don't worry though. I will let my blooger friends know where I go. I can't do without ya'll for sure. I gotta go take some Pepcid before the acid churning in my tummy eats a hole in my gut.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Work is a bad 4 letter word

Well, for whatever reason my boss has a bee up her ass and has decided to not let me take off Friday morning to get AC in the house. Instead she emails me from home where she has decided to "work" today. She tells me I will have to reschedule the installation of the AC because she is off on Friday and it would only leave 1 nurse in the office. Never mind that I already talked to that nurse and she is fine with it but noooo, because I didn't ask permission I told her when I needed to be off.I am a grown up right? Now she has decided that all time off must be submitted to her in writing and she will decide if it is okay to take off. This is including Dr. appts. of which I have a lot of lately.She makes me feel like I am not doing my job because I am taking off to go to the Dr. so much. I am in constant pain, still grieving over the death of my best friend, and oh yeh my man of 10 yrs. left me. I guess there is a time limit of how long you get to grieve. The reason I am so fucked up now is because I kept putting my breakdown off. Guess what ,it don't work like that. You cannot help it if you are having mental health issues. And having a passive aggressive person like that who constantly tells you what you do or did wrong and never giving up any postive feedback wears on you after a while. My therapist says I need to step back and put myself first. That is a hard thing for a nurse to do especially when I have control issues on top of that. I never give myself a break much lees get one at work. I live alone so the only interaction I have with people during the week really is the people I work with. She gets to leave and go home to her man but not me. I get to go home to an empty hot fucking house. I was hoping to at least take care of the hot part but what the fuck ever!! I also think she reads my blog so enough said. I may be going the way of Keeks soon.Mkaes you want to throw up and hands and SHOUT!!!Apparently ,I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!Oh yeah, also in the e-mail no more animals allowed at work. I think I am going to cry now.

The AC man is coming!

Yeah!! I will have central AC on Friday. They are coming to put the new unit in. I know I said unit! Now I just have to find out when the cabinets are being installed. I will have to take the day off for that I am so sure. I am excited to get all these new things in my home. A dishwasher! I have never had a working dishwasher before. It's the little things that make up the day huh? I fell last night in the front yard. I have all these flagstones lining the front walk to keep it from flooding out when it rains which is NEVER !! Anyhow, I was rushing around trying to go to the gym and I stepped wrong and twisted my right ankle. OUCH!! Iam a klutz. Could someone just bubblewrap me and then set me out in the world. My boss says I am not long for the working world. I hope she is wrong because my bank account says different. I have a good 20 yrs. to go working before I am even eligible for social security and medicare. By then it will be such a pittance that I will probably drop dead at work. Now that is a comforting thought huh? I had to leave Dooley at home today. The big bosses came down from Dallas and we really aren't supposed to have animals at work. Something about a no pets lease clause. But we do it anyways but not when the big dogs hit town. There is a doggy day care right down the road and tomorrow I am bringing Dooley and we are gonna go check it out. My friend Jana says I am officially a crackpot if I take my puppy to a day care. I tried to get her to watch him with her daycare kids but she refused. I never!! LOL. I am sure I am a crackpot but I sure do miss that little guy and I know he misses me. We were both crying when I left for work today. My friend Madison is gonna go let him out this morning at 10am and then I will go let him out at 1pm and she will go back at 3:30 pm and then my cousin Linda will go let him out at 5pm. I get home around 6pm if I don't stay late which I will not. Then I go swim and leave him alone again. Poor guy!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

What classic Movie are you?

stolen from Zambo. Sorry dude, it was too fun and I so love this movie and all it stands for.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I'm Okay! I'm in LOVE!!!

Hey everyone! I feel like I have been missing out on a lot lately. I have been so busy with the cabinets in the kitchen. I had to clean out half of the garage to accommodate the delivery of the said cabinets. My cousin Linda came over Saturday morning and we did that. Then my cousin Gina came by around lunch time and we cleaned out all the drawers and the upper cabinets. Then Saturday evening, Jana's daughter Kaylee, her friend Ashley, and Polly's daughter Madison came over with Jana and they cleaned out the bottom cabinets in about 10 minutes!Wow what a day!You should see the garage. It is stacked to the top with boxes of cabinets. I got the energy efficient loan from the city finally. This will allow me to get a new central air /heat unit, the attic insulated,solar screens on the windows,and some new windows as well as a storm door. It is low interest and all in all it is an additional 60 dollars added to my electric bill every month for the next 10 yrs. Whatever!But that is not the best part, yep, I know, you want to hear about the new man in my life. Okay. He is adorable! He has beautiful blue eyes and a turned up nose. He adores me and follows me everywhere. I know it is a little clingy and yes I slept with him the first night. In fact, he has moved in lock,stock,and barrel. I have plenty of pictures so here he is. His name is Major Dooley. But you can call him he is just waking from a power naphere he is with my little cousin Anya.

He is a blue mini daschund. I love him so much. He is so cuddly and isn't he just the most unique little fellow you ever did see. When I picked him up to hold he smelled like Nancy. She had 4 dogs but I guess maybe the lady who had him bathed him in the same soap as she bathed her dogs. I couldn't let him go. I named him after Major, my friend Mary's beautiful lab who was murdered by a pack of wild dogs earlier this year and Nancy's maiden name was Dooley. In fact, Dooley is what she always called her brother. I called him to let him know I had a puppy named Dooley and he said he was honored and then he thanked me for the dubious distinction. So Nancylike. LOL. I gotta go. I will post lots more pictures. Today is Dooley's birthday..He is 3 months old today.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I bring you Dave Navarro for Whatever Wednesday

This girls is what is known as a double bibber, panty-liner kind of man! You just know he is DIRTY !!! Oh yeh! Can you say labia fibrillation?? Cuz he is the main cause of a lot of that! Okay, can you tell I haven't been laid in a year. !! OMG! I am a born again virgin!! Somebody fuck me before I get caught up fulfilling some dudes' jihad fantasy !

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


Is anyone else watching this show and have you noticed that 3 of the girls are from Texas. Dilana is out of Houston. She is so very very talented. She so reminds me of a young Janis Joplin. She is so much better than G/T/J AKA Supernova. The chick from Dallas via the planet Outhere is well, I don't know what she is really. All I know is last week she was so bizarre I had to rewind and watch that shit about 3 times and the whole time with my mouth hanging open! I think the bald guy from Iceland should be picked. But my personal favs are Patrice (of course),Dilana,and Toby from down under. But none of them fit the band so much. Dave Navarro is so HOT!!! I wouldn't care who else is on as long as I can look at him! Oh Baby.Carmen what were you thinking??FINE FUCKING BLOGGER WILL NOT LET ME PUT PICTURES OF DAVE UP!!!!!!!RAT BASTARDS!!!!!

Monday, August 07, 2006

Moving Monday

We are switching offices around at work. Why I don't know, but we are and I have been moved to an office with windows! How nice to look out and see the world or at least the parking lot. Where I was before had windows from floor to ceiling that looked out to the lobby of the building we are located in. I always felt like a monkey (sorry Zambo) at the zoo. I wanted to fling poo at the people who would stare as they went by. I always kept the blinds pulled. Now I have a big office with windows and built in cabinets and it is very nice indeed. I did a lot of moving stuff around this weekend at home too and made my knee hurt. I get so frustrated that I can't do simple things like bending and stooping without having to go sit down and rest like some old lady. My house is getting in order though. I am pleased with the way it is turning out. I stole the picture from spiderwalk's blog some time ago.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Blogging For One Year

I cannot hardly believe it has been almost 1 year since I started blogging. It started when I was sooo into Big brother and I would go online to see what the people in the house were doing. Some people have live feeds and they have websites and will tell you what's happening. Anyway, I was reading one night and this guy says forget about all this crap go to this bloggers site. He was in New Orleans when they were evacuating the city. This guy had a blog just like we all do and he worked for some support system in N.O. anyway, he would write about all the stuff they never showed on T.V. and they had webcams on the rooftops of the building they were in. Needless to say I was addicted and fascinated by the magnitude of Katrina.One night up in the right hand corner of the blog site I noticed it said next blog.I clicked it and it went to a man's blog in Australia.He was talking about building and staining a bed for his little boy.I have always been enamored with Australia. Even tried to dig my way there as a child.Anyway, his little boy also was sick. Not in the bed sick but not well. He had a congenital abnormality in his little heart and the father was lamenting the possibility of a surgical intervention. Being a nurse of course I wanted to talk to him. Offer him words of encouragement,and to do that I had to have my own blog. So, I started blogging and that was when my whole life just kind of imploded on me.I was pouring my heart and soul out in a public arena. Just laying it out there. No deceit or twisting the truth just putting it out there. The Australian guy and I became friends and then this nice lady Sherry started reading my blog and I hers. She seemed so nice and I actually joined Soldier Angels because of her. Then as time went on and I continued on my downward spiral I kept blogging. And I kept meeting more and more nice people. People who have never laid eyes on me but know more about me than most people I have known all my life. People who have no hidden agenda. People who don't judge and have become my friends. They help me through the bad times and laugh with me thru the good ones. Some are very insightful and some are playful. Some are funny and some are artistic.They live in places like Australia,Alabama,Canada,Florida,Mississippi,Michigan,Georgia,New York,Boston,Memphis,Texas,and many more.Thanks guys for helping me keep it real and always being there for me. I love you all very much. If I ever win the lottery I am throwing a party and flying all of you out for it. Don't forget my shower is coming up. And the parade. Hopefully, by now you all have purchased a tiara and something spangly to wear and have requested the weekend off. Remember my birthday is Jan 5th-Friday. I am already taking it off because it's my birthday. But the next day Saturday the 6th is the shower and the parade. A fun filled day for all.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

On Eagle's Wings

On Eagles Wings
Written by Michael Joncas

You who dwell in the shelter of the Lord,
Who abide in His shadow for life,
Say to the Lord, "My Refuge,
My Rock in Whom I trust."

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
The snare of the fowler will never capture you,
And famine will bring you no fear;
Under His Wings your refuge,
His faithfulness your shield.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
You need not fear the terror of the night,
Nor the arrow that flies by day,
Though thousands fall about you,
Near you it shall not come.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings,
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.
And hold you in the palm of His Hand.

I am not a real religious person but I do believe in God and I am happy to bathe in His light. For some reason this song is stuck in my head and I love it. Maybe you know it too and can get it stuck in your head too.I want this played at my funeral. Not that I plan on dying any time soon but this and The Thrill Is Gone by BB king are the 2 songs that must be played.

The Computer Guy

The computer guy is here at work today so I have to post fast and then get out and remove my favorites that are not work related. I mean I post when I am on a "break" since I am not a smoker I don't leave the office except to pee. I have been watching the reality show where the band called Supernova with Gilbey clarke,Tommy Lee, and Jason Newsted are looking for a lead singer. I love Patrice Pike. She is an Austin girl and has a kick ass voice although I personally think she is so much better than the sum total of those has-beens. I mean really is it appropriate to call a grown man Tommy?There is however an Australian guy Toby who rocks my little world. He is a hottie and he can sing too. Opps the big boss just showed upa and I am outta here!!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Whatever wednesday is back

I have always thought Robert was a hottie. He was THE MAN in the '80's. Sarah Jessica Parker had a crush on him too. he had everything a man could want and he pissed it all away for drugs! Man oh man,and now he looks so old! I still love him though!He has the quintessential bedroom eyes.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

My Remodel

Here are some pictures of my living room and kitchen. Joe the "handy man" scraped the ceilings and took off ugly wallpaper and patched cracks in the wall. The kitchen cabinets are being handcrafted at this very moment and will be delivered the week of the 14th. I have slowly been bringing things back into the living room but still living out of boxes in the kitchen as you can see. I have a long way to go. I still have drapes,the rug, and the futon covers to put in the living room. I did hang some atrwork this evening. What do you think?

My Cancer

Here is a picture of my nose where they took the cancer off. Now the stupid scar will be uglier than the cancer!!

For Gary

There is this place in Bee Cave's called The Natural Gardener and I always think of Gary when I go. It is so beautiful there and it is landscaped to perfection. I love to go at different times of the day to get the light. Here are a few of my favorite pictures. If you ever make it down this way Gary I will take you here. Just make sure you bring a vehicle big enough to haul off a lot of stuff because you will not leave empty handed.

Let Me Show You My Tattoo

I know you guys thought I was kidding but here it is in all it's glory.It is on my right shoulder. I took this with my phone camera right after I got it. Now it is almost all healed up. A little scabby but that's about it. I finally made it over to my computer at home. I have a lot of photos to show you but I wanted to show this one first.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Ouch I Spoke Too Soon

I was doing okay until about 2:30 pm yesterday afternoon and holy mother of god, my knee felt twice as bad as it ever did. I was unable to get up from my desk. I had to have one of the happy boys go to the car and bring me the crutches. I went home and took a Vicodin and it dulled the pain to a non crying state. I woke up this morning thinking it would be better but to no avail. I gimped to work on the crutches again. they wear me out! I called the Dr office and they have just called me back to say she will call in some Darvocet for the pain. I have a feiend who works in Longview for a sports clinic. She is a x-ray tech and she says the nubming medicine from the shot wore off is all. She says to give it a few days and rest it as much as possible so I am off to get my pain medicine and spend the next few days in a drug induced and hopefully pain free weekend. I will try to get to my computer this weekend and blog because I know you are all sitting on pins and needles waiting to hear my latest lament!!!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I Have HOPE!!!

For the first time in a long time I have hope. What a feeling. What a great word. I saw the orthopedic Dr. yesterday. She was so nice and gave me options. Bottom line is I will sometime sooner than later be getting a knee replacement. But not now and not before we try some other therapies. She injected my knee with a cortisone cocktail and it is feeling much better. Still hurts but I ain't crying no more. On a pain scale of 0 being no pain and 10 being horrific the last few days have been at 20 +. Today I am at a 5 and that still hurts but Thank God I can walk. I am too young for a walker. Anyway, we are going do a series of injections in my knee using hyalgen. It is made of rooster combs. The theory is it will pad the bone on bone activity that I have and stimulate my body to secrete the same. I have BAD osteoarthritis. She said it wasn't the worst case she had ever seen but it was up there and definitely the worst she had seen in while. I have been having problems with that knee since I was 25. So, that is my lot in life. I have to approach it as a diabetic would or a person with any other chronic illness. I have to empower it and not the other way around which is essentially what has been happening. She said at this point walking is an intermediate form of exercise for me and I should start with regular swimming 3-5 days a week so I am going to Premier Lady which is close to my house and my friend Connie goes there too. She by the way, is looking and doing great. She has lost I am guessing at least 40 lbs. and she quit smoking at the same time too. She is my new Hero!! Go Connie!! It will be nice to see her beautiful face in the gym! Gotta jet the boss just got here and this girl is outta here!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Holy Moley Wednesday again

I went home last night with a walker in tow. I need it to get up and down. I have an appt. today with an orthopedic surgeon. She will probably tell me the knee is gone and I need surgery but I need relief now and short of throwing me on her desk and performing the surgery with a dull butter knife I don't think it will get done today. I have a pair of crutches that I used today to get in the office. I can walk ok once I get going and provided I can hold onto furniture or the walls otherwise I could topple. The worst part is getting into the car or out of the car. If I could just be propped up against the wall and strap my computer to my lap I would be set. I spoke with my cousin Linda who lives close by me and she has agreed to stay with me after the surgery for a couple of weeks. Here I am planning the surgery and I haven't seen the Dr yet. I cried and prayed on it all day yesterday.I just cannot imagine that the pain from post-op knee replacement can be any worse the pain I have from it being blown. I need to lose weight so the replacement will work properly but I can't exercise so ... a conundrum for sure. I have yet to be able to sit in front of my home computer as I haven't been able to pry the chair out of the spare bedroom. Help!! Linda, my cousin did come and do my dishes and feed the dogs and a load of laundry for me last night. Love her. Of course 5 of the clits are out of town. They all went to New Mexcio for the week to party and visit relatives. But Kelly and Lois are still in town and they will come to my aid if I ask them nicely.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Tuesday- (my least favorite day of the week)

Once again it is Tuesday. I have an appt. to see another orthopedic surgeon tomorrow about my knee. I can no longer step up onto a 4 inch ledge and if I manage to make it to the step forget about stepping down. Obviously, this is not the way to motor one's self. It took me a full 5 minutes to get out of the car this morning in the parking lot. I seriously have pain in my knee. On a scale of 0 being no pain and 10 being the worst pain I ever had I am holding steady at a 7 when I am sitting and not moving my leg. When I have to stand it goes to about a 15. No kidding and to walk on it is 20!! I have blown it out.Yeh, now my worrries are with the fact that surgery is more than likely going to be sooner than later and then there is my job. Remember that my boss was already not happy with the fact that I have been not 100% Now add this to the mix and I will be lucky to have a job after this summer. It is not fair to be middle aged crazy and have a physical affliction too. Damn!!! If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all!!
My tattoo is crusty but healing nicely. It itches like crazy though and I am glad it is where it is because if it was where I could see it, I would "pick"at it all the time.
My house is looking good. I still don't have the computer up and running at home but I will get it going soon.My mobilty is keeping me from getting a lot more done.I sit on the couch and think I need to get up and do something but when I get up OUCH!!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Monday Mishaps

I haven't been a good blogger lately. My house is in chaos with the remodel and I finally fixed the computer so I can sit in front of it and "surf". I am a big Big Brother fan and it has been killing me that I couldn't get on the computer and check out the houseguests on line. I love Kayser. He is like the Muslim Brad Pitt. My house is so pretty. I spent all weekend buying the drapes and putting things in order in the living room. The kitchen is still in an uproar. I will be so glad when I get a dishwasher. I have also been on yet another diet. I am either on a diet, cheating on a diet, or fixing to start a diet. You would think I would be a skinny gal, but, NOOOO. Not the case. I am such a procrastinator,I should be taking care of myself but I wait until I am up against the wall. And so it is with my knee. I have been to see the Dr. last year. He told me I needed to lose weight.He wanted me to have a gastric bypass and lose the weight and then have a total knee replacement. I said no way was I having a surgically intervened eating disorder. Now I wish I had listened to him. At least been serious about losing the weight.I saw a freind of mine this weekend who had a band put on her stomach. She looked great and said she feels wonderful.I have no will power and my knee is so bad it keeps me from doing any exercise.I have only myself to blame though.I have lost some pounds but not anywhere near enough to be able to show or help with my mobility. Crap!! Why can't they just put me in a coma for a few weeks and wake me up when I am at my goal weight? I mean really they can put a man on the moon...Okay gotta go. I promise to blog every day this week. I also promise to post tons of pictures now I can get to my computer and download all these photos off my camera.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Whatever Wednesday Returns

This guy is way hot. He is on HBO Entourage.Yesterday I got home to find the handy man is done with the painting and hanging my ceiling fan. But being as it was Tuesday, of course, the thing didn't work so here I went back to Lowe's to replace it and of course I had to get one that was more $$. But it is nice. Hopefully, he will be able to get it up today. Mucho "w" today gotta go the big dog is coming in from San Antonio today!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

It's Tuesday ...

I swear I blogged last night. I have no idea where the post went but it also had a picture of my new tattoo. The painter told me he would be through tomorrow. He says he will call me back next week to see if I have noticed any bald spots or places that need touching up. I am so proud of the paint job. I ran out of money so the floor wil have to wait but that's okay. I will be getting the cabinets for the kitchen delivered hopefully the week of the 14th of August. I am still waiting to hear from the credit union about the loan for a new central air and heating unit. It is HOT here!! 102 in the shade today and forget about the heat index. What is up with that anyways? I always feel so much hotter when they tell you with the heat index it is 108.Shit, it's the humidity that kills you. So far today has been nice but it is Tuesday and well, knowing my track record I am staying low under the radar. The happy boys got another Daschund. Male and he is a choclate color. His name is Lestat. He is so cute and 3 months old. Akasha loves him but Lewis says she is a little jealous. He costs them $500. I found out today Akasha costs $700. Damn I guess I will not be getting one unless it is from the rescue folks. I had no idea they were so costly!My oh my!!Not much else happening.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Thank God it's Friday

I have made it to the end of another week. This week has been very hard for me as I have said in the past posts. I saw my Psychiatrist yesterday and when I told him about my work situation he became very angry and said that it may take months for my meds to be regulated. He says I have been on the wrong meds for a year and we have to wean me off those meds first. Apparently Effexor has some kick ass side effects and I am experiencing them. He said he would be glad to write me a rx. for a leave from work. I am not wanting that as then I would go nuts with all that time on my hands. I spoke with my boss yesterday morning about all this and it is coming down from corporate that I need to shape up and quit using the excuse of depression for any mistakes I have made which by the way are all paper in nature and deal with billing. No pt's were harmed EVER!! I will see the Dr. again next Thursday to continue to get me on the right meds at the right dosage.I did get the tattoo on my right shoulder and if I could find my camera in the pile of stuff in my house I would post a picture and show you. It is so pretty,pink with green leaves with a touch of white to the petals and a touch of yellow to the leaves. By the way, yellow hurts!It did hurt but not as bad as I thought it would. I have actually had cramps that hurt way more than that!Now I am on Busbar. I took it for the first time last night and I had a really hard time sleeping. When I did sleep, I had nightmares. Very unsettling. I hope this is not something I will have for too long.My goal is to be normal and off all meds. Yuck! I hate taking pills. Thank you all for the support you have and continue to give me.You have no idea how much it means to me and I love each and every one of you. Poor Cory, I even drunk e-mailed him a few times this week. Good thing I don't have his number. For one thing he lives in Australia and another is he works night shift so no telling how he would react to hearing my voice in the middle of his night. LOL Hope everyone has a great weekend. My house is coming along nicely. The guy who is painting has been painting now for 3 weeks. He has another job and comes by after it. I call him my Elvin. Remember the guy on Murphy Brown who was always there painting? That is my Joe. I come home to something new every day!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Fucking Tuesday

I know I should just stay under the covers on Tuesday. I was doing OK this afternoon when at 4:10 pm my boss calls me in the office to tell me I am not pulling my weight in the office. She feels I have had 3 weeks to get my mental health in order and that from now on I will need to do better. She bases this on the fact that I do not work overtime. We have 5 people in the office and 3 of them are paid by the hour hence the reason for overtime. As a matter of fact, one of them even told me she works thru her lunch and stays over to get the overtime. My boss and I are not hourly. For 1 year I never took a lunch break.I worked 8-5 every day. I figure now when I am having problems is a great time to take my lunch hours. She (the boss) will let people pile stuff on her and never ask for help. I have never been asked for help that I didn't do it. She feels I should be helping out without having to be asked. I feel like I am doing the best I can under the situation I am in and feel if I took on anything other my duties at this point then I would be working overtims with no recompense. I haven't the energy to work any more than I am. Depression is exhausting. She told me that I had 3 weeks to get my meds in line and that I should be up to speed. For one thing I have only been seeing the Dr. for 2 weeks. This Thursday will be my 3rd visit with him and he has changed my meds every time. At this point I am ''swimmy''headed at most times. She feels that I have become a liability to the office so I emailed the assistant adm. and told her I was sorry that I was causing such problems with the office but that actually the problems I am having are the same problems I have been choking on every waking day and that finally I got to the point where I could feel that it was affecting my job. I asked her to please not fire me but give me a chance to resign. Maybe I should ask the Dr' to write a note saying I should not work for the next 2 weeks until we can get my meds and my mental state under control. I could use a rest and time to think about me and no one else. I really don't know what the solution is at this point. I know that the job was the last thing I got joy out of as I am sure you all have gathered. I am stumped as to what to do. To tell you the truth at one point while she is telling me how bad I suck and how my job is in jeopardy she took another call at which time all I could think was 1.It is the eve of Nancy's death day and actually I perceive this day as the day more so because hello it is Tuesday and 2. Could I make it through just 2 Tuesday without some fuckin' drama. Funny how the therapist asked me today if I had ever had thoughts of suicide and I said oh no,but then on the ride home I got to thinking ya know if I was to kick it at least I got the money in the bank for the funeral. Of course the whole fixing the house up would pretty much be over. No, I do not have feeling or thoughts of suicide or even hurting myself except for the tattoo. But, let's face it, I ain't getting any younger and I was never a picture of beauty ever. I am almost 50 and never married and no kids. I am an orphan and I have no one to whom I am the most important person in the world except myself. And as Adam Duritz says "how am I gonna keep myself away from me".

Therapy on Tuesday

So, I went to see the therapist for the first time today on my lunch break. She seems like a nice lady. She said I have had a lot of loss in my life. Ya think? Anyway, tomorrow is the anniversary of Nancy's death.I have been thinking about having a tattoo in memory of her. I know, I know, but before you nay say me let me tell you why. I have this part of me that hurts...physically hurts when I think about her. In fact, it is amazing to me that a person could have that much pain in their heart and show no physical injury. It is baffling to say the least. I think it must be your soul cracking open. In other cultures they will knock out a tooth or tear their clothing or wear black for a year. Here we give ourselves 3 days to mourn,bury them, and then get over it. I cannot do that. I don't know that I will ever get over it.I miss her as much now if not more than I ever have. I want to get the tattoo because I know it will hurt. I want the physical pain to mirror the pain I have inside. Also, every time I look at the tattoo I will be reminded of her, not that I will ever need anything to remind me of her. She was one of the first friends I ever had here in Austin. She was nice and never treated me like the country bumpkin I was. She made everything fun. She was funny,witty, thought provoking,irreverent,spontaneous,and always, always a joy to be with no matter what the situation.She made life worth living. She saw the beauty in everything and everybody and I so miss her. Her favorite color was pink and she loved roses. When she died I covered her casket in 300 pink roses. I couldn't bear the thought of a bunch of dirt on top of her. Actually everyone at the gravesite threw them in. I even saw pictures that someone's child had made for her thrown in along with other momentos.I haven't been to see her grave but once since the day we buried her. I want to go but it is in San Antonio and I just haven't been able to go yet. To make myself go. I feel like if I went alone I would just lay down and cry for hours. Somehow, that doesn't feel healthy. I do not believe that you can communicate with the dead because if you could then I would have heard from her by now!Okay I gotta get going. I have caused a spillage and need to turn off the waterworks for now. We will see how tomorrow goes. I am planning on putting a pink rose on my right shoulder. That was what I was trying to say before I went on my welling and spilling thing there. In the words of the immortal Groucho Markx "this has all been wonderful but I must be going."